Chig and his Christmas fairies would like to wish you all a proper bo Christmas. May all your packages be as big as these.....

World Of Chig will be back, back, BACK in January, bigger* and better** than ever.

* If you have a bigger monitor.
** Probably not, to be honest.


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Three years we've waited, putting up with a building site where the city centre used to be, and today the wraps came off (on time!). And was it worth it? Yes, it bloody well was! Awesome, spacious, stylish in parts, daring in parts, and very user-friendly, that was Chig's impression of the new Bullring today. It's impossible to overstate how massive this project has been. A huge portion of the city centre has been knocked down. A huge mountain of earth was removed. Parts of the city are now on levels that didn't exist before. Roads exist where they never existed before, and others now run in different directions. Historic street names which were lost have now been reinstated, which I think is fantastic. Statues have been moved, and other sculptures specially commissioned. St. Martin's church (where people from whom I'm directly descended married in the late C19th) has been restored from its greeny-black slime to a lovely sandy colour. There are cafes and shops, and a HUGE Selfridges (which seems to have recruited its clothing assisitants from model agencies!) Plus the arrival of two stores I'm particularly pleased about: a big Borders, with coffee shop, and Zara, both new to Brum.

The only thing I didn't like? That walkway - see my picture below - which connects the car park with Selfridges. Eight floors up, and the moment I stepped out onto it, my knees turned to jelly! I came back along the ground level and took the lift.

I'm not being paid to say this, honest, but here in Birmingham, we sorted out the clubbing/theatre/bars thing during the 90s, with some of the best concentrations of entertainment areas in the UK (whatever your sexual persuasion). And today, with 150 new shops open at the drop of a hat, I can unequivocally say, COME TO BRUM. It's fab!

PS. Note to Bullring's designers: if you put a sculpture of an animal in the street, children will stick their fingers up its nostrils. See below.



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One of these people used to be in Steps.
I've just had a stupendously brilliant weekend at Cardiff Mardi Gras. Met some great new people, reaquainted myself with some old friends, and took 314 photos. More later in the week, including some of those photos.
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After a brief visit there for a night out last Sunday, Chig will be in the Welsh capital for the whole weekend from tomorrow (Friday) until Sunday evening, for (to use the official title) the Cardiff-Wales Lesbian and Gay (Caerdydd-Cymru Lesbiaid a Hoywon) Mardi Gras. Hurrah!
Thanks to the lovely people at Cardiff Initiative, Chig will be staying at the Marriott. He will be out and about on Friday night, at the main event at Cardiff Castle on Saturday, and probably nursing a headache in various venues on Sunday afternoon. He'll be the one with the camera. To make it even easier, he'll probably wear that purple Fred Perry trackie top again. Do come up and say hello if you're going. Especially if you're fit, shirtless, and fancy your picture in GT. Shallow, moi?

Chig would like to apologise to Nottingham Pride, which is now unlikely to get any coverage in GT, unless (hint, hint) they send in their own high resolution digital photos or do something outrageously newsworthy.
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Has there ever been a more appropriate surname for the Mr Gay UK winner?! Congratulations to Jarrod Batchelor, who, as well as having a film star name, won the national Mr Gay UK final on Saturday at G-A-Y. He looks a lot better now than in his initial pictures, so, although I discounted him before, I've decided he's a worthy winner. (Not quite sure what the criteria are for worthy winners beyond firm pecs and nice eyes, but he scores on both of those counts, so what the heck.) I'll let you know what he's like in the flesh after this weekend, because he's going where I'm going (and where I was on Sunday too)...

Tasteful, 'official' photos of Jarrod here. Dozens and dozens of sweatier pics from when he won his London heat here and here.
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But of course! It's this one:

Are You Ready For Love? - Elton John

Not-so-pointless prediction: Durrr, number one!
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It's a sad, poignant day for me today, as it's the first time my Gran hasn't been around on what would have been her birthday. She would have been 83 today, but she died suddenly in December. I haven't written anything about her since that day, so I thought I would write a little about her interesting life as a tribute when her birthday came around, but to be honest, it's still too upsetting, so the cathartic bit will have to wait.

The picture on the left is the last picture I have of my Gran, taken on my birthday last year when she came over with my Mum for a pub lunch. The middle one is taken sitting on the war memorial in the Warwickshire village where she grew up. We scattered my Grandad's ashes at the war memorial in 2000, and ended up doing the same things with my Gran's last December. The last picture is from a family photo taken about 1989.

Part of what I wrote yesterday (in answer to one of Mike's questions), about living for the moment, and saying things to people while we have the chance, was written because today's anniversary was very much on my mind. None of us ever know what's around the corner. My Gran was fit and healthy, and just about starting to enjoy a new lease of life after two years without my Grandad, but died suddenly and in quite unpleasant circumstances. As happens to so many people, we never had the chance to say goodbye. I used to see my Gran more than any other member of my family; more than either of my parents, more than my sister. I loved her a lot, and there has been a gaping hole in my life since December, especially on Sunday afternoons. That's when I would usually see her for a cup of tea and some of her wonderful cakes, and we would sit and chat. I really miss her.

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There’s a little thing that is going around blogland called The Interview Game, and this is how it’s played:

The Rules
1. You leave a comment on a participating blog, saying you want to be interviewed.
2. They respond by asking you five questions.
3. You update your website with their five questions, and your own answers to those questions, as below.
4. You include this explanation.
5. You ask other people five questions when they request an interview.

Chig has shamelessly asked not one, but two people to submit their questions, and they duly have. One of them is Mike, who I’ve known for 15 years, and the other is Zbornak, who I hadn’t heard of until yesterday, but have already decided I like a lot (hence the addition of his blog to my sidebar). The concept was to see if there was a contrast between questions from a good friend and a total stranger who may or may not look like Steve Wilson. You can make up your own minds on that, but they were damn good questions, which I have now ruined by writing answers which are, for the most part, too long. And rubbish. Still, it’s provided me with some intellectual stimulation, and that’s no bad thing. Feel free to request an interview and I’ll have to put on my thinking head again. Here are the questions, with my answers.
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1. Music is the food of love, what is your favourite meal?
Much like food itself, it depends on my mood. My musical tastes are more varied than almost anyone I know, and my enormous expenditure on music products over the years bears testimony to this. To continue the food analogy, it would be easier to name the beetroot and fish of my music world; the things I just can’t stand, which would be about 80% of contemporary rap music and the more extreme elements of heavy rock. I used to lump country music in with these two, but I have clearly mellowed with age (and the nature of country music has changed too). Anything else, I’m prepared to at least taste, from hard house and trance to pure pop, via nu-metal, Eurovision, opera, R’n’B, and Balinese nose flutes. I don’t claim any knowledge of classical music, but, like most people, I know what I like and I like what I know, and I’d be glad for other people to expand my horizons in this area.
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2. What would you most like to change about yourself?
The desire to change things about myself. That way lies peace of mind, I would guess.
The slightly longer answer is to be more decisive, more impetuous and, in some areas, less of a perfectionist. People reading this may think, ‘I see no evidence of perfectionism here on this blog’, but that’s the point. It’s what’s NOT here that proves my point. I have this tendency to start things, and then I won’t finish them because I won’t make time to do them properly. I tell myself that if a job’s worth doing, it’s worth doing well, so I abandon something as a lost cause, because I don’t feel I can spend time on it when it might end up being less than perfect. Did that make sense? It’s perfectionism or not at all, and so consequently I HATE myself for the loose ends that I have left, not just on this blog, but in life generally, but I never go back to tidy them up.
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3. What is wrong with gay culture? What is right with it?

Oh god, I know people who have written whole PhDs on this subject. How long have we got?
I don’t believe there is one such thing as ‘gay culture’, but obviously many gay subcultures exist. I don’t mean culture that’s ‘sub’ in any ‘subversive’ way, or ‘less good’ way – I just mean in a smaller way. The clever-clever answer to the first question would be ‘the fact that it has to exist at all’, but it’s a double-edged sword. (Phew! Thank goodness you asked both questions, so I can expound my theory!). The good thing, of course, is that years of social change have seen us providing networks (social, business, community etc.) to support ourselves, but the flipside of the coin is that gay doesn’t necessarily mean better. To quote two very different examples, just because you work for a gay business doesn’t mean you’re being exploited any less, and for every Queer As Folk there’s a Gaytime TV. I have a big problem with the self-ghettoisation that some people have gladly brought upon themselves. But the people who have chosen that path probably don’t see it as a problem at all. It’s all a matter of personal choice of course, but I’m glad (nay, smug) that I’ve never felt the need to blinker my world view through pink spectacles and fling myself totally into ‘gay culture’, whatever that is. I’m glad gay bars exist, but I don’t want to go to them all the time, for example. I see myself these days more as an interested, sometimes amused, occasionally bemused, bystander and observer of gay culture. However, I guess that’s why I feel an ability to write about it for the occasional bits of journalism that I do for a well-known gay magazine(!) I feel involved, and yet detached, and I think it’s a good way to be. I know gay men who have told me that they don’t know any straight people outside of their own families. I find that shocking, and I actually pity them. If you ever find me living off Old Compton Street or in a converted Manchester warehouse, decluttered by a lifestyle therapist, on steroids, with a huge Celtic tattoo across my back, making financial investments with Ivan Massow, please have me shot.
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4. "60% of couples are not in love, but merely addicted to each other" - my flatmate, last night. Discuss.

Tee hee. You’re asking ME about coupledom? Moi, who is counting down the days to the fifth (count ‘em – five years!) anniversary of my last relationship ending. And that one only lasted a month! Am I even allowed to have an opinion on this? Oh, okay then. Thank you for giving me an excuse to expose the bitterness I have managed to keep suppressed for this long. Seriously though, I can only comment on what I see and hear around me, and I think there’s a lot of truth in what your flatmate says. I wouldn’t go as far as putting a figure on it though. I see, in fact I know, many couples who make me think ‘why are you together?’ Conversely, if I exclude the older generations, I can only think of two couples that I know, of any sexuality, who I think are actually in love with each other. Moving down from this, I think the ones your flatmate mentions; the couples who are actually addicted to each other, they’re the next luckiest. I see many couples who are just dependent on each other – a far cry from even being addicted, let alone being in love. The only reason they’re together is because they’re too frightened to be on their own again. I really value my independence. I gave up the yearnings for a boyfriend at about 30, when I bought my first house, which may or may not be a coincidence. Now I just can’t imagine sharing a house with anyone else. I could never move into someone else’s home, and if anyone moved into mine, I would drive them mad within a week.

My cynicism about relationships has risen sharply in the last year, since moving jobs. I have never before worked in such a male, working class, heterosexual environment, and I have experienced all of the horrors that I had fooled myself into believing didn’t exist any more, after years of working in a young, vibrant, multi-racial, multi-sexuality, mainly graduate, gender-balanced company. Apart from the racism, religious ignorance and political naïveté I’ve encountered, I am constantly horrified by the way I hear heterosexual men at work moan about (a) women in general and (b) their own female partners. One day, when I know I’m leaving, I will say what goes through my head the next time I hear them moaning about ‘the missus’. (Yes, they really do say that – there are partners whose names I don’t even know, because they’ve never been mentioned. It betrays such a basic lack of respect.) One of them has just got married, but hardly talked about it, because everyone in the office knows he didn’t want to get hitched. I’m not sure he even likes his wife. Another one moans so much that I feel like saying, ‘Why don’t you just fuck off and leave her? She’d probably be a lot happier without you.’

My cynicism, if you want the Freudian analysis, probably stems from having parents who stayed together for too long ‘for the sake of the children’. They finally split up when I was 18, when it should have been much earlier, for the sake of everyone involved.

I don’t believe that many human beings are genetically programmed to stay with the same partner for life. Once you accept that, you can be a lot happier, and I’ve always stayed with someone for as long as we’re both happy with it. When we’re not, it has ended. Maybe I’m just crap at working on relationships; that’s probably true, but I just don’t see the point in being together if one or both partners is unhappy. It seems that simple to me.
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5. What would be the theme tune to your life?

Hmmm, let me think…..[Mentally runs through the cliched answers; ‘I Am What I Am’, ‘My Way’, ‘This Is My Life’ (the Bassey one, not the Eartha Kitt one) etc. Swerves slightly towards the less obvious but still all-encompassing answer; ‘A Life Of Surprises’ (Prefab Sprout), via the once autobiographical but ultimately too tragic answers; ‘Smalltown Boy’, Soft Cell’s ‘Where The Heart Is’ and P!nk’s ‘Family Portrait’.]
Are we talking about the theme tune to the END of my life? If so, it would amuse me greatly if, as my coffin trundled towards the flames, the curtains slowly closed to the thirty seconds of music that they play during the thinking time on Countdown. Everyone at my funeral could make ‘clock’ movements with their hands, and it would be a bit like the Steps video for ‘Tragedy’, with the curtains closing on the final ‘Duh-duh, duh-duh, duh-duh-duh-duh. Poo!’ Classy, huh? But a fitting comment on the triviality and long term insignificance of my life.
I haven’t really answered the question, have I? That’s because I can’t think of one single tune which sums up the diversity of my life. My desert island single would be ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’, simply because it is so many songs in one, but I’m not going to pretend it’s lyrically appropriate to sum up my life!
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Special Bonus Question

6. Who is Steve Wilson?

Damn. I felt sure you would know, mainly because I assumed that people would have mentioned it to you before. (In the same way that Kiefer Sutherland is constantly plagued by people telling him he looks ‘a bit like that Chig bloke’. Apparently.) Perhaps you, inexplicably, don’t mingle with people who watch kids’ TV. Or perhaps the few photos I’ve seen of you are misleading and you don’t look like him in real life. Or perhaps I just stretched a slight similarity a bit too far. Whatever, the lovely Mr Wilson used to present Live & Kicking on Saturday mornings with Emma Whatnot. And he’s dead cute. Oops. He’s so famous that a google for pics of ‘Steve Wilson CBBC’ produces not one but TWO whole photos, one with the aforementioned Emma Thingummy.
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1. Who were the best three acts you saw at Glastonbury this year?
Radiohead, Roddy Frame and Junior Senior, all for completely different reasons. Three completely different atmospheres, in three different venues, at three different times of day.
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2. Why do you like Westlife? (I've been wanting to ask you this for ages.)

There’s a presumption in the question here, isn’t there? You don’t get me that easy. I’ve spotted it. I mean, have I ever gone around saying ‘I like Westlife’, either in person or on here? Do you think that I, a 37 year-old homosexual male, would admit something like that in the face of an overwhelming fan base of teenage, heterosexual girls? I mean, the embarrassment. How uncool.

Oh, alright then, I do. I like them first of all because they proved from the outset that they can all sing live. So many other ‘vocal harmony groups’ can’t even do that, that this merits a mention. Secondly, I fancied four of them at the start – all except Bryan, paying particular attention, depending on haircuts at the time, to Shane and then Mark. Thirdly, they’re Irish, which always helps. Fourthly, there must be something in the songs. You’d have to get a musicologist to explain it, but there was something about their formulaic ballads, with their ‘stand up off the bar stool / big drum crash / key change’ moments, which just had me hooked every time. Fifthly, the way they were marketed; always two CDs for every single release, always new photoshoots for each sleeve, and some excellent videos. Also, their albums are superb value for money – there are so many tracks on them. They’ve always managed to avoid being horrendously over-exposed too, I think. In fact, they seem to be taking quite a break right now, so it will be interesting to see if they can claim that one more number one they need to equal The Shadows at fourth in the all-time number ones list, or three more to equal Cliff in third place.

But it’s a personal thing, and I don’t expect anyone to join me. They are of course, pretty boy pop by numbers which even your Granny can like, but that, in my book, doesn’t make them bad people.
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3. You are appointed Dictator Of Great Britain for one day, and are allowed to pass three laws. What would they be?

Well, I would pass the fucking Anti-hunting Bill for starters, as we have a government that’s been too inept to do that after six whole years in power. Then we would finally stop wasting more Parliamentary time which could be spent on other things. Just how many times does it need to be discussed?

Secondly, I would obviously grant the Dictator a huge pay rise, and thirdly I would abolish elections and stay in power until I retired to live in the lap of luxury with my squandered millions. What did you want me to say? Wish for world peace and give all my money to the poor?
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4. If you could send a message back in time to yourself aged 16, what would you tell him?

Generally, not to be so worried. It will be okay to be gay, you’ll have your own house eventually, you’ll have some really happy times and you’ll have some fantastic friends.

In 21 years’ time, you still won’t have had a serious long-term relationship, or have lived with anybody, but that won’t feel as bad as you think it will now.

Sort out what you’re going to do with your life, so you don’t find yourself still asking that question when you’re 37.

Other people will always seem to be having more sex than you do. Try not to worry about it.

Keep a diary. (I have.)

Follow your heart, go to drama school, and be an actor. You know it’s what you want, and you know you’re good enough to do it. Don’t go to uni to do the degree that your LEA careers officer told you to do, in a five minute visit, when they’ve never even met you before.

Have some bloody confidence. Talk to strangers when you’re sober. Take risks.

The Tories won’t be in power for ever, but don’t raise your expectations too much. Somewhere around 2000, you will be profoundly disappointed. Unbelievable as it may seem right now, we will still be the only country in Europe without a fair electoral system.

Don’t waste so much of your life watching TV.

Live for the present. Don’t put things off. Find out things about people. Don’t wait until next time. You never know how long friends and relatives will be around. Do things that you say you’re going to do. Don’t let people down.

Consider earning some money now from journalism. Don’t wait until you’re 30 before the idea enters your head, or you’ll think ‘why didn’t I do that before?’

That nuclear war you’re expecting any day now, here in 1982 – it won’t happen for at least another 21 years, so make some plans.

That pathetic thing your mates are so fascinated by; the Spectrum ZX81, will get bigger and better and there’ll be this thing called the internet. In 21 years’ time, you’ll spend an evening typing the answers to questions from someone you know and someone you don’t know and you’ll use your improved version of the ZX81 to let other people see the answers on theirs. You still won’t be quite sure why.
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5. Your house is on fire, and you only have time to save three items. What would they be?

The family history folders I’ve lovingly created over the last three years, the entire photo collection, and my diaries. (Please note that I am sacrificing the entire video and music collections here, on the grounds that they are replaceable.) Obviously, I’m anticipating some help (from Pickfords) and would have to risk returning to the fire several times. You’re just trying to make me feel bad that I haven’t put up the smoke alarms, aren’t you?
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Keeping this brief, after my PC just crashed and lost a much longer posting about something else. Grrr.

This week's Single Of The Week, narrowly pipping Lemar and Good Charlotte to the post, is:

Barcelona - D.Kay & Epsilon featuring Stamina MC

Because (a) it's a jolly, summery, radio-friendly dance choon, (b) it makes me want go to Barcelona (I never have) and (c) we haven't had anything remotely approaching drum'n'bass as a Chig's Choon yet, and I have the imaginary compilation album to think of. Variety is the spice of my singles collection.

Pointless prediction: Let's just ask Mark, shall we boys and girls? He was spot on last week with his prediction in the comments for Richard X and Kelis. No one likes a smart arse, Mr G. Mind you, [CENSORED].
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I've realised, on this, the first day of the new Premiership season, that I didn't say very much about the (once) Mighty Villa on here last season. I think that tells us all we need to know really. It became clear from an early stage that we weren't going to win anything, with the inability to win more than one away game all season and being knocked out of the FA Cup in our first (ie. the 3rd) round. After that appalling behaviour, there was really only one thing that mattered to all Villains as the season drew to a close. We must, at all costs, finish above Birmingham City. And it was all going so well, above them for the whole season, until about three or two games from the end, when they overtook us and stayed there. The shame of it, and the smug looks from Bluenose colleagues have been hard to cope with, as Blues finished above Villa for the first time in living memory. It must not, simply NOT happen again.

And so, new season, new hope!

Oh shit, it's 14.30. Villa lost to Portsmouth, and as Birmingham won the only other early kick-off, the Premiership currently looks like this:

1 Portsmouth P1 W1 D0 L0 GF2 GA1 GD+1 Pts 3
2 Birmingham City P1 W1 D0 L0 GF1 GA0 GD+1 Pts 3

19 Aston Villa P1 W0 D0 L1 GF1 GA2 GD-1 Pts 0
20 Tottenham Hotspur P1 W0 D0 L1 GF0 GA1 GD-1 Pts 0

Oh dear. Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear..... We're the first team this season to concede two goals, and the first team to have a player sent off. Well done Gareth. Excellent example for a captain to set. Brilliant start lads. Keep it up.

UPDATE on Sunday: Thank the Lord, other teams did even worse than us. After one game all round, Blues have sunk to about sixth, and we are on =14th. Oh, to hell with it! We're 14th, on alphabetical order, above Everton. All together now, "things...can only get better...can only get better..."
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...with Brighton. I had an absolutely, stunningly gorgeous weekend darn Sarf. I may even go there again. I was only there for 30 hours, but I actually came back on Sunday night feeling as if I'd been on holiday. And I had - in the sea and everything. It's now Wednesday, and I'm still feeling good about the whole weekend. Brighton Pride was so good - the best Pride event I've ever been to, anywhere, ever - that the only downer about it is knowing it could never be that good again. Most of that's down to the intensely un-British weather of course, but the whole organisation of the day seemed great, and the atmosphere along the seafront on Saturday night was just buzzing. Clammy, but buzzing! Loved it all. Must say thanks to the friends who looked after me down there, and also to the newer friends I met again, and the older friends who I'd forgotten lived down there permanently. There must be a part of Brighton called Birmingham-On-Sea!
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If I ever managed to write down some of the daft ideas that sometimes pervade my head, then I might feasibly have compiled a list of 'favourite album tracks never released as singles'. If I had ever compiled such a list, then I'm pretty sure that 'The Things That Dreams Are Made Of' from The Human League's 'Dare' would be sitting at the very top of that list. If I also made a list of 'favourite female soloists' of the last five years, Kelis would be right up there in the top 5, which is where she would also be in a list called 'best acts seen live at V2000'. Therefore, was there really any other choice for Chig's single of the week this week?

Finest_Dreams - Richard X feat. Kelis

After working his funky fusion magic with Sugababes and Liberty X, he's gone and done it again! Richard X is surely a genius. And, yet more money for Mr Oakey and Mr Wright. Marvellous. 'The Things...' just works so well with the SOS Band's second biggest hit 'The Finest', a #17 hit in March 1986, that you almost wonder why you haven't heard this combination before. (Of course, the SOS Band are no strangers to the top producers du jour taking their hits and turning them into new ones, as Fatboy Norman did it years ago with 'Dub Be Good To Me'.)

Something to watch out for this Sunday:
See if the dotmusic chart commentary actually mentions what both the tracks are that make up this single. When 'Being Nobody' charted at #3 on 23 March this year, James actually managed to write a commentary on the single without mentioning the words 'human' or 'league' or even that the track running through it was 'Being Boiled'. It reads as if he had absolutely no idea. That must have taken some doing, but I thought it was negligent and insulting to the memory of 'Ver League, and I was tempted to send some hairdresser friends round to give him a lopsided haircut he'd never forget.

Pointless prediction: #4.
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Good weather set to continue this weekend? Peaking on Saturday? Right then, that's my mind made up. Brighton 'and Hove' Pride, here comes Chig! I'll be the one camping. The tent's in the car already. Does anyone know where the nearest campsite is to all the Saturday shenanigans?
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My friend Said; erstwhile colleague and sometime commenter on this very blog, makes his second appearance on C4's Grand Slam this Friday (at 20.00?). I've no idea if he gets through to the next round or not, but it's fair to say he trounced his opponent in his first round, to claim second place on the leader board. Should be worth watching.
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Hottest day ever? What hottest day ever? It might as well be snowing outside, because it's freezing in our office. This is the first Summer I've ever worked in a place with proper air conditioning, and I don't think I like it very much. We're being blasted by cold air, having to wear sweatshirts or jackets, with NO windows which open. I feel ike I'm in a glass prison. GIVE ME FRESH AIR!

It reached 39.5C in Devon at 15.00 today.
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As the scorching 'Ex-Take That Weekend' draws to a close, with Markie and the Robster all over the media in the last 72 hours, this week's single of the week can only be...

Four Minute Warning - Mark Owen

Pointless prediction: A difficult one, this one. Let's guess at #15. Please note last week's prediction was spot on once again, with Lumidee entering at #2 yesterday, and we were only three places out with the All-American Rejects, who entered at #13 last week.
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Just drove to the recycling bins at the local supermarket at lunchtime. (Yes, drove, but I was going shopping anyway, so there was no excess energy spent. Thank you for your environmental concern.) As I pulled up, there was a family throwing bottles into the skip, and at that very moment, what record did Jeremy Vine start playing on the radio? 'I Love The Sound Of Breaking Glass'! Made me laugh.
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So, it's August. When I bought my Hollyoaks calendar in the January sales, in good faith, little did I suspect that I'd be spending August with a serial killer staring down from my walls. Cheers, Mr Redmond. I always liked Toby (played by Henry Luxemburg) before, but now it's slightly unnerving. Perhaps I'll move the calendars round...
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This week, James writes;

"Daniel Bedingfield is the third British male singer to have had three chart-toppers since the year 2000."
No, that’s not true. There had already been three, so if we’re going to count Daniel as a Brit, when he’s actually a New Zealander, he’s the fourth.

"Robbie Williams and Gareth Gates are the other two."
They are certainly two of the other three since 2000, but Gareth Gates has already clocked up four number ones, not three, and James has completely ignored Will Young, who has also had three. Methinks James has forgotten about The Long And Winding Road, the duet which would account for both of these omissions.

"For the females, Christina Aguilera has also hit the top three times in the same period…"
That bit’s correct, at least. Her second, third and fourth number ones were in this period. Genie In A Bottle was outside of it, in 1999.

"…but since the turn of the millennium the only act to have managed more than three are, perhaps inevitably, Westlife who have done it no less than seven times."
Huh? Now he’s getting really confused! Westlife have had eleven #1s so far. Seven of them were in the last millennium, and only four of them (Uptown Girl, Queen Of My Heart, World Of Our Own and Unbreakable) were in this one.

Don’t believe what you read!
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Bit of a rotten day for celeb-spotting at London Pride on Saturday (apart from those on stage). So many people were looking for cover from the rain. We made up for it on Sunday though, with two of our favourite men seen up Hoxton way, savouring Shoreditch sunshine and shopping. (Try saying that when you've had as much vodka as we had on Saturday!) Firstly, we saw the BBC's economics correspondent, Evan Davies, in a shop (and we'll leave it at that).

Funnily enough, two of the three of us have met him before, and DID HE REMEMBER US? No, he did not. But then, we didn't speak to him either.

Later, outside the Apostrophe Boulangerie & Patisserie, we realised we were about to park our bottoms next to 'that bloke from Spooks', who I absolutely love, both aesthetically and for his acting. He was also brilliant in The Project; the drama about New Labour.

Unfortunately though, we couldn't remember his real name (Matthew Macfadyen) and I wasn't going to call him 'Tom' from Spooks to his face. My friend R took great pleasure, after the actor left and we moved tables, in telling me the seat was still warm.
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A tough one this week, with Junior Senior and Robbie out as well, but it's got to be...

Never Leave You (Uh Oooh, Uh Oooh) - Lumidee

The Summer of 2003 will surely be remembered as the Summer of clapping songs. Wayne Wonder is the new millennium Shirley Ellis, and Lumidee is the new Belle Stars. Ol' Dirty Bastard is about to join the happy-clappy gang too, under his new Dirt McGirt moniker. Lumidee has been stuck in my head for weeks, and should be stuck pretty high in the charts on Sunday too. We may even see Never Leave You challenging the thematically similar Never Gonna Leave Your Side for #1, in a linguistic battle not seen since Eternity and Eternal Flame were consecutive number ones, exactly two years ago.

Pointless prediction: #2
UPDATE: Lumidee did indeed enter at #2, behind Blu Cantrell & Sean Paul, with Daniel Bedingfield slipping to #4.
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In a blatant, feeble attempt to use another song title as a heading, World Of Chig acknowledges the passing yesterday of Bob Hope, age 100. Dying at 100 must be a whole lot better than dying at 99. Chig was rather surprised though, that this was the lead story on BBC One's 6 o'clock news yesterday evening. Was it really more important than the Tony Martin story and everything else going on in the world? I think not.
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Well, that just about sums up London Pride. It was mainly fun, what I remember of it. But was it worth £26 for the park? No, definitely not.
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Make Mrs Turner happy (and read about Scott's childhood, according to his Mum).

Don't let this happen.

09011 21 44 09
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L-R: Andrea Corr, Antony Costa (Blue), David Beckham, Heather Small, Nush BB4, Ryan Phillippe and my cousin Mandy. Along with a few others, they're all in Fame Academy 2, coming to a TV near you this Saturday. As one reality TV door closes, another opens. Hurrah!
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Is it Christian Aid week? Be very afraid! Daniel Bedingfield is inexplicably (because it's the fifth single off his album) heading for number one, and Cameron is probably going to win Big Brother tomorrow. Never underestimate the Christian vote!

Number of #1 singles on Daniel Bedingfield's album, after 5 releases: 3
Number of #1 singles on Madonna's American Life album, after 3 releases: 0

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Was Chig the only one feeling smug last night watching Big Brother live? The housemates were playing that game where they had to name, in rotation, a country beginning with A, then with B etc. etc. They had already played the game with boys' and girls' names and animals. It's a shame they don't have any paint to watch drying. When it came to naming a country beginning with J, they really struggled before coming up with Japan the first time, and on the second round, they gave up, thinking they had already mentioned the only one. I'm sure it wasn't just me who was shouting 'Jamaica' at the TV. Interestingly, Jon came out of the diary room/ toilet/wherever he'd been and joined in. It was his turn when they got to W, and he was absolutely flummoxed. He pondered in silence for what seemed like forever, and then it went to an ad break, at which point I imagine viewers from Flint to Pembroke, from Yns Mon to Monmouth were throwing their leeks and daffodils at the telly. Come on Jon, it's not that difficult, is it? Federico may not be going to Newcastle - I think you should steer clear of Cardiff.
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Chig is. Make yourself known. And where should we be going on Saturday night? Do tell.
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Apologies if you've been bursting to leave a comment in the last few days and haven't been able to. I tried to insert the necessary code to make the update, but it didn't work. However, it has now been fixed by World Of Chig's technical support helpdesk, to whom I am eternally grateful. Comment away!
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If this track hadn't been out this week, it would have been Stereophonics, with their best single in ages, but this week's single of the week couldn't be anything other than;

Swing Swing - All American Rejects

Because it's brilliant. What a comprehensive, informative review that was.

Pointless prediction: #10. (The pressure's on, after Chig was spot on with the Benny Benassi prediction last week.)
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...is not, as everyone keeps saying, Justin Timberlake. I'm currently hearing the new Gareth Gates single, 'Sunshine', for the first time and it is one amazing Jacko impression from start to finish, even with a Jacko gasp near the beginning. (It's actually quite good, in a laid-back Summer vide kinda way, but will it still be sunny on 8th September, when it eventually hits the shops?)
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I went inside this yesterday, in a park in Swindon. It was fab. I took loads of photos. Funnily enough, they look exactly like this bloke's.
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Met three lovely Welsh blokes tonight. They're in a band. Didn't seem too pleased when I asked where the fourth one was though.

Yes, it's that top again. I do take it off sometimes, honest.
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Damn those pesky housemates! I must admit to being a bit surprised. I had assumed Steph would be out this week. (This seems to be the only thing on which nasty Lisa and I agree.) So let's leave Cameron in, so he can come second to Scott, and evict Nush, so we can see Scott emotionally tested but come out of himself when she's gone.
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It's 30 degrees C again today, as yesterday, and it's St. Swithin's Day too, which means....hot weather for the next forty days. Hurrah!
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Satisfaction - Benny Benassi presents The Biz

For the first time in three weeks, Chig's single of the week doesn't start with the word 'crazy'. We seem to have been waiting aeons for this track to actually be released; it's been all over Radio1 for months, and a mighty fine choon it is too, although it sounds nothing like the Rolling Stones' version.
To celebrate Bastille Day, here's Benny's website in French.

Pointless prediction: #2 (Because Beyoncé is at the top for as long as the good weather holds, I reckon.)
UPDATE: Spot on! Benny bounded in at #2.

UPDATE: This was indeed the second best-selling single, in Brum at least, today (Monday), behind Beyoncé. I know this because a certain local, commercial radio station plays Brum's best selling four singles every day at four o'clock. (I'll let you guess what that little feature's called. Yes, you're right.) It's the first time I've noticed this radio station play this particular track, and I was pleased to hear it. Imagine then, my horror, when the presenter declared, "What a load of crap" immediately after playing it. Philistine.
UPDATE: He retracted later in the week and admitted to liking it after all. Result.

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Half way through the year, it's time for a recap of Chig's singles of the week so far, in reverse order. This is disc one of my (imaginary) two disc compilation album. I should reiterate that my single of the week is never intended to necessarily be the 'best' new release of the week. It's just a personal thing. And in the case of Jemini (which wouldn't even be the best single of the week in a week where nothing else was released), it was a recognition of their sheer bravery and chutzpah in the face of media mockery, for turning their failure into the most successful media blitz that a UK entry has ever seen, ending up with a #15 single, only two places lower than Jessica Garlick made last year, when she finished third in Eurovision, with 111 points more than Jemini managed. Mind you, she didn't then drop to #39 in her second week, before disappearing for ever. Rumours that Jemini's next single is a tongue-in-cheek cover of Nick Berry's 'Every Loser Wins' remain unconfirmed.

W/c Title - Artist
07/07/03 Crazy Beat - Blur (#18)
30/06/03 Crazy In Love – Beyoncé (#1 for 2 weeks so far)
23/06/03 Fight Test – The Flaming Lips
16/06/03 Universally Speaking – Red Hot Chili Peppers
09/06/03 Don’t Wanna Lose This Feeling / Don’t Wanna Lose This Groove – Dannii Minogue
02/06/03 Every Way That I Can – Sertab (#72)
26/05/03 Cry Baby – Jemini (#15)
19/05/03 Not Gonna Get Us – t.A.T.u
12/05/03 No Good Advice – Girls Aloud (#2)
05/05/03 You Spin Me Round (Like A Record) – Dead Or Alive
28/04/03 Loneliness – Tomcraft (#1)
21/04/03 When I See You – Macy Gray
14/04/03 Train - Goldfrapp
07/04/03 It's Tricky 2003 - Run DMC feat Jacknife Lee
31/03/03 El Salvador – Athlete
24/03/03 Clocks – Coldplay
17/03/03 Being Nobody - Richard X vs. Liberty X
10/03/03 Spirit In The Sky - Gareth Gates & The Kumars (#1)
03/03/03 I Begin To Wonder - Dannii Minogue
24/02/03 Move Your Feet - Junior Senior
17/02/03 Pain Killer – Turin Brakes
10/02/03 I Can’t Break Down – Sinéad Quinn
03/02/03 Cry Me A River – Justin Timberlake
27/01/03 All The Things She Said – t.A.T.u (#1)
20/01/03 Nice Weather For Ducks – Lemon Jelly
13/01/03 Year 3000 – Busted (#2)
06/01/03 Danger! High Voltage – Electric Six



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17:55 Someone else is entering the house tonight! Not exactly someone new , but you'll be able to decide.....You heard it here first...
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Ooh, we don't do ligging by halves in our family. No sirree. Continuing the fine tradition of ligging set by her Big Brother (moi!), my little sister's not just in the crowd for tonight's Big Brother shows. She's on the bloomin' guest list! Here she is! Look out for her on the two later Big Brother shows tonight. (Not BBLB.) She will apparently be wearing a pink top with a hood, next to a short blond bloke with a white and green striped shirt. Hopefully scary Lisa won't be wearing the same pink outfit. It's true what Graham Norton said last night, bookies have been paying out on Lisa IN ADVANCE, because they think it's the most foregone conclusion in four years of Big Brother. She received 70% of votes on RI:SE on Wednesday (with Steph on 18% and Caeron 12%). Then, yesterday they tried to persuade vieweers to keep her in, because she's so inflammatory (which I can understand) and the vote reduced to...69%. So I think she's a gonner.

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It's back! Full rundown soon of the ones we've missed. (I may not have written about them, but I have chosen them, never fear).

This week's single of the week:
Crazy Beat - Blur
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Just when you thought that World Of Chig was now a Eurovision-free world, the dates and venue for Eurovision 2004 have just been announced! The rehearsal period is longer now, to accommodate the semi-final, which is happening on the Wednesday before the final, so arrival day in Istanbul is pushed back to Thursday 6 May. Which just happens to be Chig's birthday! Oh, where to spend it? Dilemma....

The semi-final is on Wednesday 12 May 2004.
The final is on Saturday 15 May 2004, in Istanbul's Mydonose Showland Hall. (I'm not sure if the venue is any more built than the website, but they have 44 weeks to work on it.)
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It's been a tough decision, but I've finally decided that I do not want;
(a) to enlarge my penis
(b) to buy Viagra, either real or imitation
(c) to buy the world's smallest digital camera
(d) to see anyone getting f***ed by a horse
(e) to buy marketing lists from a German marketing company
(f) to make money with the help of offspring of various former leaders of African countries
(g) to buy works of art
(h) to buy bargain printer cartridges
(i) to buy 'top-selling software at rock bottom prices!'
(j) to visit an on-line casino
(k) to make untold amounts of money in 'get rich quick' schemes

To this end, can anyone recommend some anti-spam software which REALLY works (and is free)?

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...but now we've all been found out.
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Like there was any doubt about it. Does anyone like her, inside or outside the Big Brother House? Keep an eye open on Friday for my little sister (age 34) on TV. She'll be at the house, in the crowd for both Big Brother's Little Brother (18.00) and Lisa's eviction (22.00). I'll put a picture on here soon, so you know what she looks like.
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Congratulations to the Wimbledon seeders for actually getting the top four women right, and what a lovely symmetry there is to the semi-final draw. Both semis feature a Williams sister versus a Belgian. Marvellous. As I write, Timbo is 1-4 down against Grosjean, but saved for the moment by rain. Hopefully it will rain until 4pm, when I'll be back home and able to watch it properly. Having the BBC Sport website's '2 minute refresh' page open is exciting, but missing a little something, I feel.
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As I seem to have enormous power over this Big Brother eviction lark, mate, I'll go for three out of three with Gos, mate. He's unhappy, mate. He adds nothing to the house, my man. Time to leave mate. Leave the others to starve, my man. And take your bloody cliches with you mate. Alright mate?
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Sadly, not mine. Too busy at the moment. But while you're waiting, read Dave's - it's very good. (I've known Dave through Mike for many years, but didn't know he was at Glasto.) Later, you will be able to work out the moment when we must have come tantalisingly close to actually bumping into each other.
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You could do far worse than stay in tonight and listen to Radio 2 for five hours (88-91FM, 19.00-24.00). Tonight is the night of the Great British Music Debate; a whole evening of documentaries and discussion about the current state of the music biz. Including how to get a number one and the demise of the single. It's bound to be interesting and provocative. Expect some comment on it here tomorrow. Feel free to join in the discussion group.
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Just before Christmas, my Dad reminded me about an autograph he's had for decades (since the 1960s, I think). A Hollywood megastar was dining in a restaurant in Stratford-Upon-Avon, where he grew up, so he dared to ask her to sign the menu, which she duly did, and he has kept it for 40 or so years. He asked me in December to use the interwebnet thing (with which he has never interfaced) to see how much the autograph might be worth. It seemed, looking at memorabilia signed by the said actress, that it was probably worth £200-300. And it was gratifying to be able to look at samples on the internet which proved that the signature was indeed the same as the one my Dad has. Yesterday, my first thought on hearing the sad news of Katharine Hepburn's death - for it was her who he met all those years ago - was to wonder if the value of the autograph had gone up. Indeed it has. Comparable Katharine Hepburn autographed items now seem to be worth around £500. I don't know whether to be pleased or not. Should I advise my Dad that now would be a good time to sell, or do these things carry on increasing in value once someone has been dead a long time?
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Glastonbury was absolutely bloody brilliant! Everything went right, both personally and from Michael Eavis's point of view, so there should be a Glasto next year. Hurrah for that! And look who's headlining! The one who was going to headline this year. A clue: he's small and purple. Now I'm back, I've had a long bath and I'm listening to Radiohead's stunning set from Saturday night, being played as live on Radio1 right now. I'm not Radiohead's biggest fan, but they were awesome, intense and captivating. Definitely a highlight of the weekend, but there were others. More reports in the next few days. First I have to finish writing an article for a certain magazine (not about Glasto, but Leicester Pride the weekend before).
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From the official Big Brother website today:

"Nush then grappled Scott to the floor where she proceeded to slap and tickle her good-looking housemate, verging ever nearer to his precious man bits."

"Nush continued to whip him..."

And finally;
"Nush plucked her sausage from her plate and began waving it ominously near Scott's groin."

Funny, that, I'd been imagining doing something similar myself...




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I've waited so long to write that headline. Sadly, it's not her though.
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Play on Wimbledon's Centre Court started half an hour late today. But it's not raining (again!), I hear you cry. No, it was nothing to do with the weather. The delay was caused by a film crew who are making a new movie, called, with astounding originality, 'Wimbledon'. It's about a British player winning Wimbledon. Isn't it brilliant how the British film industry can move on from gritty social comment movies to flights of pure fantasy?

PS. Henman won easily, and didn't say 'shit', 'wanker' or 'fucking' once on live afternoon TV, unlike that naughty Brit Canadian man yesterday. (Elisabeth, you can have him back now. We've finished with him. And that Lennox Lewis, while you're at it.)
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Oh. My. God. There was I, thinking that I was about to have a quiet weekend in, glowing green with envy while watching the TV coverage of a certain music festival, when the moby rings at 18.20 this evening. One of my friends - let's call him Musicbizboy (for that is what he is) - says "What are you doing this weekend?". "Er, nothing," says I, "why?". I'm thinking he wants to come and visit. "Do you want to go to Glastonbury? I've got two spare tickets." I'm already excited, and then he reveals they're freebies.

Nice one, geezer

I'm in heaven! I was so disappointed that we didn't realise when the tickets went on sale, so we missed out. I've already been experiencing Glasto envy every time it's been mentioned on the radio, especially this morning when they opened the gates to the site. And now....I'm going!

It's okay, 'cos we're all sorted out...

I have hurriedly booked Friday and Monday off work, and so in 48 hours I will be standing somewhere, somewhere in a field in Hampshire Somerset (in the predicted thunderstorm), watching REM et al. Hurrah!

Then you come down...

Tonight though, I have called seven people who I thought might want the other ticket, and not one of them can go. So, do you know anyone who wants to go? If you can e-mail me before noon tomorrow (Thursday), and can meet me somewhere on the M5 on Friday afternoon, you can possibly have the other ticket. (I'm saying possibly, because Musicbizboy is also asking around, so he may give it away first.) E-mail me via the 'contact me' link on the left,or phone my mobile if you know it. First come, first served...

What if you never come down?
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Get the silly, selfish piggy out of the house! Ooh, she thinks she's such a special princess, doesn't she? She really thinks she deserves to be treated with kid gloves and have everybody put up with her moods. She seems to have missed the point of the game too - witness her ridiculous 'can you nominate for me, Big Brother?' episode in the diary room. She loves the sound of her own voice far too much, and doesn't listen to other people. And if you doubted how stupid she is, did you notice that when the three people up for eviction were announced yesterday (or tonight on C4), IN ALPHABETICAL ORDER, she was too dim to realise after Nush and Steph were announced, that hers was the only name left. Perhaps she thought Scott's name would come AFTER hers. Daft cow. But if I was in the Big Brother house, I would have come to blows with Tania long before now. Not only does she smoke in the house, which is bad enough at any time, but inexcusable when the weather has been so good for the whole run so far, but she smokes in the f***ing bedroom. Un-bloody- believable. I would have stubbed the ciggies out on her eyeballs by now, the selfish cow. I've lost count of the number of times she's threatened to walk out. JUST DO IT - NOW! NO ONE CARES!

[Deep breath...] Talking of the lovely Scott, it's a shame in a way that Cameron was still allowed to nominate this week from South Africa. If Cameron's votes hadn't been included, we would have had everyone in the house up for the public vort (sic) this week, except for Scotty himself. Imagine how excited the cute little puppy would have been, knowing that he was the most popular in the house! But perhaps it's better that he doesn't know, and he can go on being his lovely self. It was so cute when he thought Cameron was in the reward room, unable to speak, and Scott offered him encouragement through the wall, when in reality Mr Fishy was somewhere up in the sky at that moment. Bless.
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You probably don't know the schoolfriend I sat next to in registration for the first four years of secondary school, and in art classes too. You probably don't know his brother, who was a couple of years older and also at our school. So why should I mention that their Grandad was born 100 years ago today? Because their Grandad was Eric Arthur Blair, and my schoolchums bore his surname. Their Dad had been adopted by Eric Arthur Blair (and this is the first time I've ever seen that fact in writing!) Eric was slightly better known as George Orwell. Hello A & G, wherever you are! (Neither of the two boys are on Friends Reunited.) It must have been the influence of sitting next to A in Mr Holmes' art lessons for four years, but in my 'O' Level art exam, we had to illustrate a scene from a book, and I painted my vision of Winston's room from 1984 (and passed!) This was in 1982, just to put it in context, and we had also studied 1984 as an 'O' Level English Lit set text the same year.
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One of my colleagues today reveals a level of geography knowledge on a par with Jade Goody.
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At last, an excuse! It's all in the name of art darlings. There's an interesting project going on called Photo Friday, where they suggest a theme every Friday and then people post photos on that theme onto their own websites. You can go to the Photo Friday website and see the whole list of links to the themed photos all around the webby world. Recent themes include 'Packaging', 'Candy' and 'Urban'. This week's theme (until tomorrow) is 'Multiples', which gives me an opportunity, at last, to publish one of many dozens of pictures I have taken at Bewdley Regatta over the last few years. Hopefully, forthcoming themes will give me more chances to inflict on you some of the thousands (no exaggeration) of photos lurking unseen on my PC or in boxes. I look forward to sharing them with you. (This link came via Mike, whose own take on 'Multiples' is a sight I'm very familiar with, in my own house and his!)


Multiples
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I needn't have worried. Miss Saigon yesterday was one of the most stunningly perfect pieces of live theatre I have ever seen. Faultless in every way; I am so glad we went. It was an added bonus that, even after all these years, I didn't know how the story ended. Boy, did that take me by surprise! We went to the 'meet the cast' event afterwards too, which was informative. A fantastic afternoon out, on a lovely day, rounded off by my Mum, sister and myself going for a gorgeous meal (and two bottles of wine between us) at the Green Room opposite the Hippodrome. I skipped home about 9.30pm, feeling quite pleased that everything had gone to plan and Mum thoroughly enjoyed her special birthday. Job done. Well, half the job's done. Now there's tomorrow's party to sort out...
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It's my Mum's 60th birthday today. That's her on the right. She was born on Paul McCartney's first birthday. We've known for years that they shared a birthday, but I've never known of any famous person who was born on the exact same day as my Mum; 18th June 1943. Until now! I present to you, on the left, Raffaella Carra! Now I'm sure Luca and most other Italians know very well who she is, but non-pop trivia fans in the UK may need a reminder. To us, she is one of those spectacular one hit wonders, but oh, what a sublime hit it was! Raffaella made number 9 in April 1978 with the wonderful 'Do It Do It Again'. You know the one; "Do it, do it again, do it do it again with love. Holding, holding, holding back. Never mind if it doesn't last..." That one. Marvellous. A bit of net trawling tells me that she's much more famous in Italy, with many more hits to her name. She also seems to be a TV presenter, and still pretty glamorous. So, happy 60th birthday to Mum and Raffaella, happy 61st to Sir Macca! And if anyone can find an MP3 of Do It Do It Again, could you let me know (via the Contact Me link on the left)? I can't find it anywhere, and it would be good to play at Mum's party on Friday. Thanks.

My Mum's birthday treat from me and my sister is to come over to Brum for the matinee performance of Miss Saigon this afternoon at the Hippodrome and then go for a meal. I have been reacquainting myself with the music from Miss Saigon, from a tape which has remained unplayed in a box for ten years or so. I've never actually seen the show, and I've decided it's not one of my favourite musicals. It seems far less immediate than most, with a more operatic flow to it and not so many verse-chorus-verse 'songs'. Still, I'm told the production here is brilliant. I have fond memories of the London production of Miss Saigon, but it's for an entirely spurious reason. About 13 or 14 years ago, I copped off at a friend's party with a really cute bloke. His job? He lowered the helicopter on stage for Miss Saigon. It's not every day you meet someone with a job like that.

On Friday, Mum has organised a barn dance for herself and 70 other people. I was left in charge of organising the rest of the music for the evening, about which she knows nothing. So, I compiled a list of her favourite songs, including her top ten number ones from our 50 Number Ones Project last year. The wonderful Mike has lovingly burnt them onto a CDR, in chronological order, which has arrived this morning. I have just played it and come over all emotional, as it's the soundtrack of my Mum's life, from Pat Boone to Westlife, with everything from The Beatles, The Honeycombs, Jennifer Rush, Bruce Springsteen and, er, Fiddler's Dram in between. (When I was 13, I bought my Mum Day Trip To Bangor on 7 inch single for Christmas. I've no idea why.) Thank you Mike - it will make her night. I have also bought one of those birthday cards which has a CD of 1943 music in it. That's the music everyone will be hearing as they arrive at the party. It's great! Now, if I can get drunk enough on Friday to enjoy the barn dancing, it should be good fun. Must go now, theatre awaits, daaahlinks!
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It seems, unsurprisingly, that the amount of stuff I write on here is inversely proportionate to how hot it is outside. And what do you know? It's sunny again! Bye-eeeee!!
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Hurrah! About time we had some man on man action in the Big Brother house. I've been having to make do with this from last year's contestants:

Now if only they would stop using that terrible picture of Scott.
While we're on the subject of BB, let us all say goodbye to silly Sissy before she leaves tomorrow. It's for her own good - she just doesn't have the emotional maturity to live with other people.
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I knew google was good, but I didn't realise it had become telepathic!
I was going to write about Brian Molko on Graham Norton, but I haven't done it yet. However, that hasn't stopped someone reaching this here blog by googling for 'Brian Molko on Graham Norton'. Remarkable.
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It can't come soon enough, IMHO.
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...for the royal family, at least. And now nice that Mrs Queen should promote the vast expanses of our beautiful kingdom by visiting Legoland, in her back garden in Windsor. Nice effort, Ma'am. How quintessentially English Danish.
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Hmm, interesting. I wonder if the site has exploded today after having a whole (slightly ridiculous) 'Tonight with Trevor McDonald' programme devoted to it last night?
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Now it can be revealed. At the height of the Mediterranean party in Riga, fuelled by a few pints of Cesu beer, there was a natural coming together from the family of nations represented in Latvia. Four of us had a blinding revelation – that we could form a band to represent the UK next year. All the pieces fell very naturally into place, and so, we present to you, the world’s first Irish-Anglo-Welsh-Germano-Spanish-Franco-American boyband. With a multi-racial mix like that, we’re already reaching out to a broad potential fanbase. We can’t lose.

None of us have ever worked on cruise ships, toured the working men’s clubs or done Summer season at holiday camps. We are therefore uniquely qualified to be able to hold a tune for three minutes in Istanbul. And we were all born to dance. It's genetic. No problem there.


We have carefully created a personality for each member (from left to right):

The Cheeky One – (cf. Kian from Westlife, Robbie from Take That, Paul from S Club (7), Spike from 911) = Brendan
The Sexy One – (cf. Rachel from S Club, Kenzie from Blazin’ Squad, Jenny from Atomic Kitten, Nathan from Brother Beyond/Worlds Apart) = Rafael
The Luggage – (cf. Sean from 5ive, Tina from S Club, Jason from Take That, Craig from Bros) = Chig
The Hunky One – (cf. Tony from Bad Boys Inc., Howard from Take That, J from 5ive, all of 2be3.) = Scott

We decided to follow the template of 911, Upside Down and Atomic Kitten by not having a Talented One (cf, Gary from Take That, Jo from S Club, Shane from Westlife). We shall of course be ambiguous about our sexualities at all times, while maintaining profiles on gaydar which we will ‘leak’ to Popbitch. We will stroll through Covent Garden with what looks like a spliff to get in the papers, where we will reveal exclusively that we are actually clean-living boys and love our Mums. One of us will fake a go-karting accident in order to create a wave of public sympathy, carefully timed to coincide with the voting for the Smash Hits! Poll Winners’ Party, where one of us will also win the award for worst haircut in order to increase our notoriety. We will let slip to Dominic Mohan that Elton John really fancies us, which will lead to us meeting him and then getting invited to the Beckhams’ parties, where we will be photographed in the background by OK magazine and mentioned in their very long captions.

We need a name though. The only one we came up with on the night was ‘Westlife’s Older Brothers’, which just won’t do. I’ve also considered ‘A4’ in homage to a1, but we don’t want to sound like an item of stationery, (although we will gladly turn up to the opening of an envelope when we launch). My Funny Uncles or The Polyglots are two other possibilities, but the former may bring Eurovision into disrepute. Can you suggest a better name?

We also need a svengali-type manager. Someone who can put up with the rumours that we will continually spread, but will deny in public, that they are shagging one of us, and that’s the only reason one of us is in the band.

A sponsorship deal would be nice, but as one of us works for a huge fizzy drinks company, and another for a major pan-European telecommunications company, that shouldn’t be too difficult.

Oh, nearly forgot. Just one more tiny detail. Can you write us a song?
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You couldn't make it up. Barry Manilow has broken his nose.
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Sacré bleu! Is Jemini's 'nul points' national disgrace being discussed at the highest levels?

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1) Radiohead (on Jonathan Ross last weekend).
2) ******* ******* (A former contestant.)
3) Trevor Horn (according to today's Popbitch).

But you shouldn't believe everything you read on Popbitch. Today's mailing also says this:
"FYI: Riga's top gay club is called Purvs. It has a rope on the dancefloor for lusty men to swing on."

I can tell you, after a waste of a Sunday night in Club Purvs, where three of us Brits waited for any more than three locals to turn up, that the club is anything but Riga's top gay club. It's more like someone's lounge, with a sort of coconut matting wall. (The name means Swamp Club, by the way, not what you were thinking.) Swinging on a rope would have been the highlight of the night, to be honest, but we saw no evidence of a rope. Or any lusty men. Club XXL is by far Riga's top gay club, by virtue of it being the only one that people seem to go to, even though they have a sound system which broke down on two of the nights we were there. I can certainly vouch for its facilities, and so can others of this parish. Tee hee.
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...but there's no doubt what the highlight of last night's match was:



Not wishing to be outdone by Joe Cole's striptease, Stephen Gerrard found his own way of celebrating. Michael Owen has been cropped out of this picture:



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