Now it can be revealed. At the height of the Mediterranean party in Riga, fuelled by a few pints of Cesu beer, there was a natural coming together from the family of nations represented in Latvia. Four of us had a blinding revelation – that we could form a band to represent the UK next year. All the pieces fell very naturally into place, and so, we present to you, the world’s first Irish-Anglo-Welsh-Germano-Spanish-Franco-American boyband. With a multi-racial mix like that, we’re already reaching out to a broad potential fanbase. We can’t lose.

None of us have ever worked on cruise ships, toured the working men’s clubs or done Summer season at holiday camps. We are therefore uniquely qualified to be able to hold a tune for three minutes in Istanbul. And we were all born to dance. It's genetic. No problem there.


We have carefully created a personality for each member (from left to right):

The Cheeky One – (cf. Kian from Westlife, Robbie from Take That, Paul from S Club (7), Spike from 911) = Brendan
The Sexy One – (cf. Rachel from S Club, Kenzie from Blazin’ Squad, Jenny from Atomic Kitten, Nathan from Brother Beyond/Worlds Apart) = Rafael
The Luggage – (cf. Sean from 5ive, Tina from S Club, Jason from Take That, Craig from Bros) = Chig
The Hunky One – (cf. Tony from Bad Boys Inc., Howard from Take That, J from 5ive, all of 2be3.) = Scott

We decided to follow the template of 911, Upside Down and Atomic Kitten by not having a Talented One (cf, Gary from Take That, Jo from S Club, Shane from Westlife). We shall of course be ambiguous about our sexualities at all times, while maintaining profiles on gaydar which we will ‘leak’ to Popbitch. We will stroll through Covent Garden with what looks like a spliff to get in the papers, where we will reveal exclusively that we are actually clean-living boys and love our Mums. One of us will fake a go-karting accident in order to create a wave of public sympathy, carefully timed to coincide with the voting for the Smash Hits! Poll Winners’ Party, where one of us will also win the award for worst haircut in order to increase our notoriety. We will let slip to Dominic Mohan that Elton John really fancies us, which will lead to us meeting him and then getting invited to the Beckhams’ parties, where we will be photographed in the background by OK magazine and mentioned in their very long captions.

We need a name though. The only one we came up with on the night was ‘Westlife’s Older Brothers’, which just won’t do. I’ve also considered ‘A4’ in homage to a1, but we don’t want to sound like an item of stationery, (although we will gladly turn up to the opening of an envelope when we launch). My Funny Uncles or The Polyglots are two other possibilities, but the former may bring Eurovision into disrepute. Can you suggest a better name?

We also need a svengali-type manager. Someone who can put up with the rumours that we will continually spread, but will deny in public, that they are shagging one of us, and that’s the only reason one of us is in the band.

A sponsorship deal would be nice, but as one of us works for a huge fizzy drinks company, and another for a major pan-European telecommunications company, that shouldn’t be too difficult.

Oh, nearly forgot. Just one more tiny detail. Can you write us a song?
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