World of Chig   

Envy & Other Sins' album out today

This is the début album from Envy & Other Sins, winners of T4's Mobile Act Unsigned competition. It is released today. It would probably enhance your life if you bought it. The fact that they all live here in Birmingham and the drummer lives next door to my mate Steve, just up the road in Moseley, is a happy twist of fate. I was loving them anyway in the T4 competition. I interviewed them on Saturday for the May edition of a magazine which possibly has the smallest circulation of any publication for which they've done an interview; Moseley's B13 magazine. Nevertheless, it was an afternoon in the pub, which was very entertaining (and probably the easiest interview I've ever done). It also helped to distract me from watching the nightmare that was unfolding on the screens in Patrick Kavanagh's on Saturday, where Villa were being obliterated 4-0 by Man United. Not pretty.

The album features their smash Top 65 hit, Highness, which would have been a bigger hit if anyone at Radio 1 had ears and had bothered to put it on their playlist. Or, more specifically, if Jo Whiley hadn't been on the panel for Mobile Act Unsigned and therefore had to avoid the conflict of interest which would have arisen if she'd played the single more than the one time she actually did. (There are rumours that Radio 1 played it twice, but these remain unconfirmed.)

'We Leave At Dawn' is available here from HMV.

Other purveyors of gramophonic recordings are available.

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I'm interviewing this band tomorrow, in our local pub. In the interests of research, may I ask what you think of this, their début major label single?

'Highness' - Envy & Other Sins


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You Keep Me Hangin' On For 21 Bleeding Years

Leona Lewis is bleeding well Number One in America! Well done. It's quite an achievement, as the first video below was the last single by a British woman to make number one in the States. Twenty-one years ago! Kim Wilde's achievement in 1987 was all the sweeter for her because she never topped the charts in the UK at all, with singles or albums. 'You Keep Me Hangin' On' made #2 for two weeks here in 1986, blocked by the theme from Top Gun, before it topped the US chart in June the next year. Her 'Kids In America' début also made #2 here.

Poor Kim can't even claim a number one via the original Band Aid single, because she wasn't on it, possibly because her career was big before and after 1984, but in 1984 itself was having a bit of a dip. Or maybe it was because Geldof and Ure failed to invite any women who weren't in Bananarama or, er, Shalamar.

Anyway, this song is fab, and so is 'Bleeding Love'. What a great excuse to post Leona's stunning performance from this year's Brit Awards. The choreography is amazing, which can't quite be said for Kim Wilde's efforts. Watch the beginning and cringe. I think she's left the hangers in that jacket.

Kim Wilde - You Keep Me Hangin' On (The Wide Awake Club - 1986)

Leona Lewis - 'Bleeding Love' (The Brit Awards - 2008)

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Bienvenue, mais le match n'est pas en Londres!

Bienvenue en Angleterre à Président Sarkozy et sa belle femme, qui sont venus pour faire une visite officielle avec le gouvernement brittanique.

Mais, pourquoi aujourd'hui? La France et l'Angleterre jouent un match de football ce soir (donc le thème français de ce page-ci en ce moment, et le photo ici du footballer français Florent Malouda). Mais le match a lieu dans le Stade de France, en Paris. Il n'est pas stupide, Président Sarkozy. Je crois que la Reine Elizabeth a un écran plasma énorme dans le château de Windsor!

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What better day than Good Friday for watching 'Crucified' by Army Of Lovers? This camp classic only managed to tickle the underbelly of the chart in 1992, scraping its way to #31 on re-issue, having failed to chart on first release.

Alexander Bard, the blond bloke in Army of Lovers, later went on to form Bodies Without Organs, now BWO, who Sweden foolishly chose last week not to send to Belgrade, despite being the obvious choice for a good Eurovision result.

Some people have claimed that Portugal's Eurovision entry this year, despite being nothing like 'Crucified' in musical style, bears a passing resemblance to it, tune-wise. What do you think? I can hear a little bit of it, but not much. Still, it's an excuse to post this video of Portugal's performance. Thanks to them getting lucky on Monday at the Eurovision draw, Portugal were able to choose their performance slot in their semi-final and wisely chose to sing last. This means that the show really won't be over until the fat lady sings. Ta-dah! (Paddy, if you get the gig, the line's yours if you want it.)

I give you Vânia Fernandes and 'Senhora do mar' (Woman of the sea). (Not to be confused with this year's Latvian entry, 'Wolves of the Sea' by Pirates of the Sea. As if you would.)

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And we're...back in the room!

It was touch and go there for a few minutes. I thought we were going to be forced to stay with the Swedish template...

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Eurovision - The Draw

Today at 16:15 CET (15:15 GMT) sees the draws take place for the running orders of the Eurovision semi-finals and final. We already know which countries are in which semi-final, from the draw which took place on 28 February. Today's draw will put the nineteen songs in each semi-final in running order.

So far, without the songs being in any order, I can already see nine 'certainties' to qualify from semi-final one, which only leaves one place in the final up for grabs! In semi-final two, I can only pencil in six for the final, so it will be interesting to see what the draw does to each country's perceived chances.

ESC Today says the draw for the final will also take place, so the UK, France, Germany, Spain and Serbia will find out which of the 25 slots they will occupy in the final. I guess they will also allocate each slot to 'qualifier from semi-final 1' or 'qualifier from semi-final 2' and then allocate the slot numbers at the end of each semi-final in May. We shall see.

The draw is being shown live on (but some of us will be at work).

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We're supporting the underdogs this weekend, it seems. Congratulations to Suzanne Shaw for deservedly winning Dancing On Ice tonight, but well done to Chris Fountain too for coming second. What better excuse...


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Melodifestivalen - our results

In readiness for last night's Melodifestivalen final in Sweden, I invited various international friends, via text message and Facebook, to text their top three to me. Some people were in Globen. Others were watching at home. Eighteen sets of results were received, from eight different nationalities. I gave their top threes 12, 10 and 8 points, and we then converted the totals into the equivalent points of eighteen people, which were then added by our chief scrutineer (hi Kevin!) to our votes in the room. (Also eighteen people, coincidentally.)

At our party, Charlotte Perrelli's 'Hero' only came sixth. Yes, sixth! I put it down to her singing, which was far from impressive. And we were the people watching it on TV. It was the votes from our friends in Globen and elsewhere who put her first, making her second to BWO in our overall scores. I doubt if the people in Globen could hear the singing properly, so make what you will of the results. (Sanna was only fifth at our party anyway.)

(When I was at Eurovision-Your Decision, I thought LoveShy were singing perfectly. Then I watched it at home a few days later. Blimey! You just can't tell in a TV studio or large hall how something sounds on TV.)

Thank you to all who took part, some in twos and threes. Specifically, thanks to Finns Tero, Juha and Tiina, Swedes Jojo and Håkan, German Thorsten, Irishmen Adrian, Dermot and Keith, Scottish Andrew, Welsh Russell and various other Brits with a multitude of racial backgrounds including Nico's Cypriot flavour; Glen, Joseph, Phil, Mark, Andy, Dean, Joe, David and Andrew.

The total points given by our texters were as follows. You will see that the bottom four all scored one measly 8 points each. I used my casting vote to split these as it made almost no difference to the totals.


1st 176 Hero - Charlotte Perrelli
2nd 140 Lay your love on me - BWO
3rd 82 Just a minute - Rongedal
4th 80 Empty room - Sanna Nielsen
5th 22 I love Europe - Christer Sjögren
6th 10 Upp o hoppa - Frida ft. Headline
7th 8 That is where I'll go - Sibel
8th 8 Hur svårt kan det va? - Linda Bengtzing
9th 8 Thank you - Amy Diamond
10th 8 I lågornas sken - Nordman


1st 182 Lay your love on me
2nd 132 I love Europe
=3rd 114 Hur svårt kan det va?
=3rd 114 Just a minute
5th 112 Empty room
6th 108 Hero
7th 99 I lågornas sken
8th 72 That is where I'll go
9th 64 Upp o hoppa
10th 47 Thank you

(Please note these are NOT the two sets of scores above added together, as the text votes were converted into Eurovision points.)


1st 362 Lay your love on me
2nd 324 Hero
3rd 258 Just a minute
4th 240 I love Europe
5th 238 Empty room
6th 168 Hur svårt kan det va?
7th 154 Upp o hoppa
8th 144 That is where I'll go
9th 117 I lågornas sken
10th 83 Thank you

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Sanna wins! But Charlotte goes to Belgrade

Democracy. It's a fragile thing. In Sweden last night, for the second time in four years, SVT decided to ignore it. They didn't just ignore it, they stomped all over it in silvery high heels and kicked it away. Sanna Nielsen (left, possibly crying) won the public vote, after her faultless rendition of Empty Room, but Charlotte Perrelli will be Sweden's representative again at Eurovision, because the regional juries, made up of a few handfuls of people, gave Charlotte a commanding lead. The jury votes are given equal weight with the televote, so the wishes of the public are ignored again. This is just what happened in 2005, when the public voted for Nanne Gro:nvall, but Martin Stenmarck went to Eurovision, chosen by the juries. It's a really stupid system, made even more galling by the fact that Perrelli's vocals were far from perfect, whereas Nielsen performed a more difficult song quite brilliantly.

This is the second time in three years that Sweden has sent one of its former Eurovision winners back to the contest. Carola won Eurovision in 1991 and went back in 2006. Charlotte (then Nilsson) won in Jerusalem in 1999. At this rate, Herreys will be digging out their golden shoes for a Eurovision trip in 2010.

Oh well, we had a really fun Melodifestivalen party and I won the 'pass the glitterball' prize; a Serbian-English dictionary, which will come in very handy in May!

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It's Swedish weekend!

It's all over bar the schlagering...

Plucky little San Marino (©) revealed their début song for Eurovision on Tuesday (above), after hosts Serbia chose their sure-fire top six song on Monday night. After Russia, Portugal, Armenia and Belgium all chose at the weekend, that means we now know 42 of this year's 43 songs. That just leaves Sweden, and it's anybody's guess! The Melodifestivalen final takes place tomorrow, without Carola (hurrah!) but with almost everyone I know in attendance (or so it seems at times).

Carola and her foolhardy duet partner Andreas Johnson were knocked out of the second chance Andra Chansen heat on Saturday night by gnarly Nordman, so they won't be appearing in the final and he will. She probably had the fear right from the start, when she realised Nordman was singing a song about burning witches. Luckily for Carola, she kept away from the set and they found someone else to play the part instead. (Quite horrible it was too, with a woman disappearing into the flames, which were thankfully only digital. You can see it below, if you like that kind of thing.)

Most people think the Swedish winner is between song 1 and song 10. 'Hero' is a schlager stomper by 1999's Eurovision winner Charlotte Perrelli (formerly Charlotte Nilsson). Because she's had her turn, I think I would prefer to see BWO (formerly Bodies Without Organs) have a go and bring some contemporary pop to the contest. It would also give BWO a realistic hope of a follow-up hit to their UK #69 smash from two weeks ago, Sunshine In The Rain, which dropped straight out of our top 100 this week after its seven day stay, which was largely due to playlisting on BBC Radio 2.

However, both Charlotte and BWO's songs are superb and Rongedal's is a great pop track too, in the vein of Mika or Scissor Sisters (or any other current male singer who sings in the higher register). Personally, I love Linda Bengtzing and her song, one of only three in Swedish, is a belter too. Even the gorgeously cheesy 'I Love Europe' by Christer Sjögren would probably do quite well in Beograd if the Swedes have a collective moment of madness come the televote. Sanna Nielsen has the big ballad, except that Sibel came through the Andra Chansen, so she also has a big ballad, which may well see the way clear for Charlotte to win. That's not my theory, it's the theory of two "brittiska experterna" quoted in the Swedish press this week:

That's funny, they look amazingly like the two blokes whose house I stayed at last Saturday after watching the Andra Chansen and the Spanish marathon...

Here are all ten finalists, in the running order for tomorrow. Which one's your favourite? Who do you think is going to win? If you're thinking, 'Oh blimey, I'd really like to watch all ten of these videos, but my busy lifestyle only allows me time for nine', I can help. Don't bother with 'Upp o Hoppa'. It's crap.

1. Charlotte Perrelli - Hero
2. Sibel - That is where I'll go
3. Rongedal - Just a minute
4. Linda Bengtzing - Hur svårt kan det va?
5. Christer Sjögren - I love Europe
6. Amy Diamond - Thank you
7. Sanna Nielsen - Empty room
8. Nordman - I lågornas sken
9. Frida ft. Headline - Upp o hoppa
10. BWO - Lay your love on me

1. Charlotte Perrelli - Hero

2. Sibel - That is where I'll go

3. Rongedal - Just a minute

4. Linda Bengtzing - Hur svårt kan det va?

5. Christer Sjögren - I love Europe

6. Amy Diamond - Thank you

7. Sanna Nielsen - Empty room

8. Nordman - I lågornas sken

9. Frida ft. Headline - Upp o hoppa

10. BWO - Lay your love on me

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Flyer / desire / fire

Here's the song singer I would have preferred Russia to send to Eurovision, for obvious reasons. Sergey came fourth with the jury on Sunday and fourth with the SMS vote, making him fourth overall (oddly enough).

Flyer - Sergey Lazarev

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I could have disposed of the David Gray tickets three times over, with the responses here and on Facebook, but it was first come, first served, so apologies to the two friends of mine who missed out. The tickets have now been posted to a welcoming home. Thank you for your interest.

* Sorry, couldn't resist.

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Free tickets!

Due to illness and an unfortunate double booking (Melodifestivalen final party), I have two spare tickets available for David Gray this Saturday at the Symphony Hall in Birmingham. As I won them, they are available for FREE. Please let me know if you or anyone you know would like them.

The tickets are for good seats; Row D in the front stalls. They're worth £29.50 each, but I just want them to go to a deserving home. Thanks.

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We Are So Fragile

A mere 29 years after he first came to my attention, I decided it was time to see Gary Numan in concert, which I did last night, in Wolverhampton. He is on his Replicas tour, playing the whole of the Replicas album, which topped the UK album charts for a week in July 1979, when released under the Tubeway Army name.

The gig was very good, but don't ask me too much detail as it's all a blur already. I woke up yesterday in the grip of the lurgy, but stupidly went to work for 07:00, I lasted until 08:45, then came home, went to bed before 10:00 and slept until gone 16:00. I seriously considered not going to the gig, but after waiting so long, I wasn't going to waste my money, so I struggled valiantly on, drove to Wolverhampton and spent the whole gig sniffling and wishing I could sit down.

It was worth going though, not just to see Gary Numan and his fantastic band, who were enthralling and at times thrillingly dark and brooding, just as I expected, but also for the support band. They are called Daggers and they were absolutely captivating. Their singer, Theo (as I find out from their MySpace page) was brilliant, with his bequiffed head, spinning around on stage like a Morrissey on speed, possessed by the spirit of Billy Idol. He was wearing an open black leather jacket, with a flimsy black waistcoat underneath, revealing much of his incredibly lean torso, along with low-slung black trousers with a big silver belt buckle, accentuating how incredibly flat his stomach was. Let's just say he was extremely fit, as well as oozing charisma. It's probably unfair to call him their lead singer, as one of their two synth players (actually three, as the guitarist grabbed one of the synths later on too) also sang lead vocals on all of their songs. She's called Biz, but she was stuck behind the keyboards, while Theo was leaping about.

All sorts of influences went through my mind as I watched them; The Associates, Editors, New Order and The Other Two, OMD, The Human League and even Killing Joke. (I'm amazed they don't list The Associates amongst the diverse influences they acknowledge on MySpace.) But the final piece of the jigsaw was only put into my head as I walked to the toilets in the interval and I overheard a man say three words, "Spear of Destiny". That's who he reminded me of, Kirk Brandon! (Photo on right.) Here's Theo, taken from Daggers' MySpace photo albums:

Daggers' MySpace page
has links to four tracks which you can download for free. I heartily recommend them. The band is also playing at Poptastic's birthday party at Birdcage in Manchester on Tuesday 8 April. I think I might go.

Oh blimey. Pete Burns is on as well. I'm definitely going!

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Dobry vecer Mr Bilan. We meet again!

Here we go again. For the second year in three, Dima Bilan will represent Russia at Eurovision and my visitor numbers are about to go through the roof again! I'm watching the webcast of the Russian final now, while chatting on Messenger to friends in Moscow and, er, Coventry. (The one is Moscow is Ukraininan and is pretending not to be interested in what the Ruskies are doing, but failing.) Dima won the jury vote and the televote with his Timbaland-produced song, which is called 'Believe', 'Believe Me' or 'Believing', depending where you read it. Two weeks ago, he lost the right to use the name Dima Bilan, when a court ruled it belonged to his former management company. His real name is Derek Bloggs, so he will have to use that from now on.*

More people come to this blog because I wrote about him in 2006 (when I inadvertently also became 'big in Russian media' for a few days too, through something I wrote in a magazine about him) than through any other searches, so I would just like to say, again, 'Privyet' to my Russian visitors.

Dima's crying now, doing a Halle Berry. He has a nice goatee today and has removed those horrible tendrils from his haircut too. Very nice. However, I have fallen in lust with another competitor, Sergey Lazarev, so Dima is old news, sorry. Mr Lazarev should have won tonight with his disco stomper, which obeyed the Eurovision fire/desire rule and extended the genre with its title 'Flyer'. Sergey previously came to my attention as 50% of Russian pop duo Smash!! (two exclamation marks), but I didn't recognise him tonight at first. He looks pretty good shirtless (below) but in a black shirt, black tie and tight, black leather trousers tonight, he made me come over all unnecessary.

It gets better! Here is Sergey Lazarev on Russian TV earlier in the week, rehearsing 'Flyer' in a sweaty white vest. Swoon.

It was a good show from Moscow tonight, with 27 songs but the bare minumum in padding and waffling. Other countries could learn from that. Cough. Spain. Cough.

*It's Viktor Belan really.

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Eurovision in Belgrade under threat?

[15:22] Vojislav Kostunica, the Serbian Prime Minister, has just resigned, dissolved the Serbian parliament and called new elections. I wonder what effect this will have on the EBU's confidence that Eurovision can go ahead in Beograd?

He has called the election for Sunday 11 May, to coincide with local elections. I believe this is the date that Eurovision rehearsals are due to start in the Beogradska Arena.

This part of the BBC's report sounds ominous:

"The government in Belgrade has allegedly agreed a secret plan against Kosovo and countries that recognise it. It is unclear what it contains."

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Party alert....

Put the champagne on ice. Get your Elvis Costello song ready. The day may have arrived. Thatcher's gone to hospital...

False alarm. She's left hospital.

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34 down, 9 to go

I have listed all the Eurovision songs and acts known so far on the left, and will update with links and names as we get nearer to the contest. By my reckoning, there are 34 songs known so far, with nine more to come.

Two more countries will pick their songs tonight; Armenia and Spain. Armenia will choose a good one, because their singer Sirusho has been given four fine specimens to sing. There is no duffer amongst them. (Listen to them all via here.) I would go for 'Strong'. Disco queens of my acquaintance have gone for 'Qele Qele'. Armenia's choice is anybody's guess, but wouldn't it be nice to go into a national final knowing that you were assured of sending a good song, no matter what? Those of us who are subjected to Michelle Gayle doing a chicken dance can but dream...

We're decamping to Schlager Mansions, with a sleeping bag, a flask and some Pro Plus tablets, to watch the Spanish contest. Scheduled for a mere three and a half hours, previous experience tells us it could easily be five. They have ten songs to fit in, and Spanish television is incapable of showing a three minute song without talking about it for at least 20 minutes afterwards. In theory, this is the culmination of what most people seem to think was A Very Good Idea Indeed. Spain used MySpace to have an open submission competition, where practically every song was put up on the page and open to the public vote. There were five hundred songs! Far too many to make proper judgments. I even know someone who submitted one. Some real favourites started to emerge, most notably La Revolución Sexual by La Casa Azul. Here's the video of the too-long-for-Eurovision version, which reveals both the song and the video itself to be rather brilliant. (Is that Chris Lowe in the helmet?)

But then, it all went horribly wrong. The problem with a public vote is that the public will vote. A so-called comedian entered the fray, receiving support from a TV programme (on a rival channel to the Spanish company which enters Eurovision) and now we are faced with the prospect of Spain choosing the most embarrassingly unfunny attempt at comedy as their entry. This cross between Rolf Harris and Alvin Stardust is Rodolfo Chikilicuatre and his 'song' 'Baila el chiki chiki' (Dance the Chiki Chiki), which pushed La Caza Azul into second place, with 109,995 votes versus 67,706. They're both in the final, as it's the public's top five plus five more plucked by 'experts', but who would bet against this load of tosh winning?

So, prepare for Spain doing exactly what Germany did on Thursday; throwing away one of the best songs in this year's competition. ¡Me cago en la leche! (as my Spanish teacher once heard a chef say in a Spanish hotel).

The irony is that Spanish TV called this whole process, which has really engaged people and caused lots of people to discuss the Spanish entry, ¡Salvemos Eurovision!, which means 'Let's Save Eurovision'. It seems the Spanish public need saving from themselves. Fingers crossed that I'm wrong tonight.

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Christ on a keyboard!

It's not Jesus, trying to persuade the UPS courier that his piano really will fit on the back of a motorbike when it's wrapped.

No, this son of Supertramp is France's Eurovision entrant, revealed today. He is Sébastien Tellier. His latest album, Sexuality, is number one en France (according to ESC Today). (It was released here in the UK last week.) It already includes his Eurovision song, 'Divine', which is utterly fantastic and brings the genre of 'summery electropop with Beach Boys harmonies' to Eurovision for the first time. This is produced by half of Daft Punk, hence the leather-clad creature in the picture. It might even bring France some mid-table respectability and you have to respect someone whose current single is called 'Sexual Sportswear'. He told Popjustice all about his sportswear fetish here. Vive la France!

Here is 'Divine' (with an unofficial video):

It's also on Sébastien's Tellier's MySpace page. I'm intrigued to know what you think. He seems to be a sort of Jean-Michel Jarre for the modern age. We haven't been down this particular rue électronique before.

No, this doesn't count. Any excuse though:

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Ach, Schade!

Was kann Ich sagen?

I've just watched Germany choose her Eurovision song, live on t'internet. The show, Grand Prix Vorentscheid 2008: Wer Singt Für Deutschland?, was much shorter than its title. Only five songs, all in very different genres and all unheard by me until watching tonight, so I was judging as most viewers will be on 24 May for the Eurovision final. There was one standout performance and one standout song. Carolin Fortenbacher did a really strong performance of this song, 'Hinterm Ozean'. The other four songs were just fillers. (One of the fillers was co-written by ex-Blue boy Lee Ryan.) This is a classic, first-time friendly, orchestral ballad, with a key change! The best ballad this year, by a mile. She's not exactly ugly and she has stage experience from appearing in Mamma Mia. A guaranteed half-decent result for Germany, as good as any Big 4 country can get.

And then Germany chose this instead. Gott in Himmel! 'Disappear' by No Angels includes the lines;

"It's just not fair,
That it won't get better"

My thoughts exactly. It's far from awful, but don't be fooled by the slick video. Their live vocals fell well short of this recorded version and Carolin Fortenbacher was ten times better. Such a shame.

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Man with big cock

Plucking hell! As if the Tuesday semi-final of this year's Eurovision wasn't festooned enough with poultry from Ireland, Bosnia-Herzegovina presented this theatrical gem last night as its entry - and they're drawn in the same semi as Dustin The Turkey! What is this fowl obsession gripping Europe?

This Bosnian entry is like nothing I've ever seen or heard before. It's like a song from a musical, a bit Wizard of Oz, a bit of the music box from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang and with a backing group of dungareed gentlemen who I swear I've seen before in a Hungarian film of a rather specialist nature. (One of you knows which one - it was at your house!) It's either a disjointed load of rubbish or inspired, demented genius. I'm angling towards the latter. Whatever it is, the tune stays in your head afterwards and that's half the battle. What do you make of it?

Bosnia-Herzegovina - 'Pokusaj' by Elvir Lakovic Laka

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Ten seconds of fame - the video

I have just uploaded my first ever video to YouTube. Here it is. Massive thanks are due to the Schlagerboys for sending me this clip from Eurovision - Your Decision and also the screengrabs from it, posted yesterday.

I hadn't realised at the time that I could be heard as well as seen. Also, I find it rather amusing that I wrote on here (and said to people on Saturday) that I didn't want Michelle Gayle to win, because I didn't want a song called 'Woo' to represent our country. The woo word must have been on my mind when the camera turned up!

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Ten seconds of fame

It only took six years to get on camera. Six years! Enjoy. I did!

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Eurovision - Your Decision - The Official Song*

To the tune of Helena Paparizou's 'My Number One'

(With apologies to all of today's contestants and just about every lyricist who ever existed.)

Your Decision
We're choosing our song and it's on television.

We have six songs
It's not too long
If we have more our audience will all be gone

Say you'll watch it
Hope it's not shit
And someone will end up with a top thirteen hit

As we're Big 4
Don't expect more
Europe won't pay to leave more points at our front door

Who's number one?
We're not number one.
We used to be but then it all went wrong.
Who's number one?
With their Irish songs?
But with wooden spoons, they have replaced their gongs.

They're sensations
But will they be chosen to sing for our nation?

(Violin scraping - the bottom of a barrel)

Here comes Michelle
Will she do well?
If she keeps her eyes shut she'll have no chance in hell.

He's X Factor
Drove a tractor
But it was a bin van which don't rhyme with `factor'

Who are LoveShy?
It's quite CLEA why
They'll have hunks on stage which might just see them get by.

Then Simona
She's a loner
Had to be `cause Lord Lloyd-Webber didn't phone her.

Who's number one?
We're not number one.
We used to be but then it all went wrong.
Who's number one?
With their turkey songs?
But with wooden spoons, they have replaced their gongs.

Then there's our Rob
Carried a hod.
Not a Joseph but he can just be a sex god.

(Violins scraping again)

Who's number one?
We're not number one.
We used to be but then it all went wrong.
Who's number one?
With their puppet songs?
But with wooden spoons, they have replaced their gongs.

Grips our nation
Who will be our next 23rd place sensation?


(c) Chig 2008


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