World of Chig   


As I sit here tonight, watching a Jeep in the doorway of Glasgow airport burning endlessly on looped mobile phone footage on BBC News 24, one very significant thing occurs to me. Ever since the devastation caused on 07/07/05 in London, the three other attempts at terrorism which have surfaced have all failed spectacularly. A whole bunch of rucksack bombs which didn’t go off, two car bombs which also failed to ignite, despite the best efforts of clampers, and now a suicide car bomb without the suicide. Either Allah has run out of virgins on the other side, or we must face the conclusion that our home-grown terrorists are a bit rubbish. Normally this kind of ineptitude would be celebrated and bemoaned in equal measure by the press. How wonderfully British.

So, who’s training them? They are poorly prepared and when it comes to the big day, they fail spectacularly. I suspect they are being trained by the same people responsible for our tennis players.


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Tiger Tiger, burning bright...

About ten years ago, I was out in London with a friend celebrating his birthday. We moved from one pub to the next and gathered on the pavement outside our ultimate destination. Then most of us went past the bouncer check and into the venue, where the punters were packed in like sardines and it was impossible to get to the bar. Those of us who were inside soon realised that birthday boy was still outside. The over-zealous bouncers had decided that he didn't have the right kind of trousers on, so we all squeezed ourselves back outside and went to spend our hard-earned cash in a more welcoming venue instead. The bar that wouldn't let birthday boy in was Tiger Tiger on Haymarket. They've been open for many years, so if the Met are looking for people with a grudge against the venue after today's shocking events, they might have a long list to go through...

Some other theories to give the police a bit of a start:

1) Gordon Brown, setting a test for new Home Secretary Jacqui Smith on her first day in the job. She hadn't even been shown her desk and the Home Office fire exits before she was whisked under Whitehall for a Cobra meeting this morning.

2) Jacqui Smith's family. Yesterday morning, no one outside of the Labour Party knew who she was. Today, all over the media. Result.

3) The Poetry Militia. A little-known extremist outfit, dedicated to bringing the works of their spiritual leader, William Blake, to life.

On a serious note, if I were in London for Pride tomorrow, I think I would have changed my mind about going out on the streets. With two car bombs found so far, who knows if there are others? I'm all for 'not letting the terrorists win', but I think I would wait until the police were on top of the situation. Tonight, that doesn't seem to be the case, as it still seems to be unfolding before us.

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Movin' Out (Anthony's Song)

Little did Billy Joel know, when he released the above song in 1978, just how appropriate it would be today, as Anthony Blair reads the meter at Number 10 and takes down the curtains.

I have a special request to any despot or terrorist who might be considering declaring war on the UK today: please could you not do so between about 13:00 and 15:00? We won't have a Prime Minister for an hour or so, and I really don't want Liz Windsor having to declare a state of war/emergency on her own. Thanks.

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Big Brother shocker!

He's out:

This week's eviction choice was a strange one, wasn't it? I didn't really want any of the three nominees to go. I don't dislike any of the three, but none of them are amongst my favourites either. It was also difficult to predict, in that I couldn't decide if it would be mother Carol or Jonathan and his moobs who would go. Seany's eviction is even more shocking than Charley not facing the public vote.

Chig's theory: The housemates are so scared of Charley that they can't face living with the vile, self-obsessed gobshite for the three days between the announcement of the nomination results and her inevitable eviction. Come on housemates, show some spirit! Our phones are poised and ready!


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Birthday greetings, bottle of wine...

It's my Mum's birthday today, and also that of the co-writer of a very well-known, specifically appropriate song. I gave my Mum an album, in a basket which also contained a bottle of wine, some electrical fuses, a Valentine's card, a birthday card, pictures of a key and a clock with the hands at quarter to three, some hair restorer, bulbs for the garden and printouts of the Points of View website and some holiday cottages on the Isle of Wight. I'm also still feeding her - I took her out for dinner.

So, what album was it? And how old is my Mum today?

Happy Birthdays to...deep breath...Simon for Saturday, Paul for yesterday, Mum and Neil today and Martin tomorrow. Mid-June is a very crowded page in my birthday book!

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Seány & Gerry

Loving them already!

On the evidence of the first three, Big Brother is doing very well with the casting of the men this year. It's just a shame the same can't be said about the women.


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Time and date in numerical order.

By the time you read this, you've probably slept through 2:34 05/06/07, but I just thought I'd point it out in time for you to catch the full 12:34 05/06/07 at lunchtime.

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Superb 2012 Olympics logo unveiled

Sadly (for the whole country), this is just one that was sent in to the BBC website by someone called James Wren. The rubbish that we'll be seeing for the next five years is this piece of 'street art':

Anyone who thinks this is a man (on the left), wanking off another man who is crouching slightly, with a newspaper over his head - think George Michael visits Hampstead Heath - is clearly a sick pervert.

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Spot The Difference

Okay, it was a bit too easy. The one on the left speaks more slowly, makes more sense, is more classy and has fewer psychological 'issues'.

Coming soon, more Big Brother puzzles, including...

Which twin would you like to slap first; Sam or Mandy? Does it matter?


Who looks more like Victoria Beckham; Chanelle or Chig?


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Zig-a-zig aaaaahh

Dateline: 1999.
Location: The offices of Global Talent Records.

Northern Line's manager: Okay lads, here's the plan. Three hit singles should do it. Andy, as you're in Birmingham, work on that Chig chappy. He'll probably buy them all, some in both versions, including the ones with the free postcards, which he'll probably scan in 2007...

Then one of you can go out with Kerry Katona...

Dan: Kerry who?

Manager: Trust me Dan. You'll get a successful modelling career out of it as well.

Zak: And what will I do boss?

Manager: Oh, you'll have a brief fling with Suzanne Shaw and in eight years' time, you'll be the only man in the Big Brother house.

Zak: Big what?

Manager: Trust me Zak. But you'd better change your name. Ziggy should do it.

Northern Line: It'll never work.

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It was twenty years ago today...

...that it was another twenty years ago today, that Paul McCartney sang that it was twenty years ago today. Yes, the all-time second best-selling album in the UK, Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band was released forty years ago today. As well as the CD version which I own, we have a vinyl version at my Mum's which still has the bonus sheet of cardboard cut-outs in the sleeve. I wonder how much it's worth?

BBC 6 Music is celebrating the fortieth anniversary all day today.

A whole load of artists have covered the album's tracks, on Radio 2 tomorrow at 16:30.

You can even attend an academic conference about the album later this month.

Trivia: The album includes 'When I'm Sixty-Four' sung by Paul McCartney, who currently is 64. My Mum, who was born on McCartney's first birthday, will be 64 on the 18th of this month.

More trivia: The run-out groove at the end of the album includes a whistle which is only audible to dogs.

Opinion: The fantastic film 'Prick Up Your Ears', about Joe Orton, ends with the orchestral cacophony from 'A Day In The Life' from Sgt. Pepper's, in what Chig believes to be one of the best uses of pop music in a film ever, ever, ever.

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