2006 hasn't been a good year for pop, or for us chart-watchers. We've lost Smash Hits, cd:uk and Top Of The Pops. (Whatever happened to cd:uk's move from ITV1 to five, which was supposed to happen in the Summer?) We've lost a plethora of popsters, from James Brown to half of Baccara, while Pete Doherty remains alive. Where's the (pop)justice?

Today sees the last ever singles chart, after 54 years. Today is in some ways as significant as the decision taken in 1952 to move from a sheet music chart to a chart counting the sales of vinyl.

From tomorrow, it will no longer be necessary to have a physical version of a song available in order to appear in the 'combined' chart, so the singles chart will become a songs chart instead. This means that album tracks will be able to chart in their own right, even if they haven't been released as singles. It raises the intriguing prospect of the chart being clogged up with many tracks by the same artist, but recent evidence suggests this will only happen lower down. In the last few weeks, a glance at the 'downloads only' chart, where this free-for-all is already happening, reveals handfuls of oasis and Westlife tracks from their recent albums, but only near the bottom of the Top 200 downloads.

Tracks which are already creating a buzz will be able to chart from next week, regardless of when record companies decide to 'release' them, so the record companies are actually surrendering a great deal of control over the market by agreeing to this move. (As an example, Take That's brilliant 'Shine', which will be their next single, is already 'doing significant business' and is loitering around the lower reaches of the download chart long before single release.)

Songs which feature in TV programmes and adverts, if they're available on legal download sites, will be able to register their sales immediately, without waiting for a record company to release the accompanying CD with an 'as featured in' sticker on the front.

More significantly, the huge lead time between songs being released to radio and the physical release of a CD will now be gone, which could see big singles charting immediately. Considering that some songs are on the radio two months before we can legally buy them at the moment, this is a huge change, but the biggest change will be next Christmas, when we will no longer have the ridiculous situation that we've had last year and this year, where Mariah Carey has had the biggest-selling Christmas song with an old track for two consecutive years, but it doesn't appear in the singles chart because it's not available in the shops. The Pogues and Kirsty MacColl, meanwhile, are also selling strongly without being released on CD this year, but they're allowed to chart again because the song was released on CD within the last 12 months. ('Fairytale of New York' was given special dispensation to remain in the chart last week when that twelve months was up, allowing it to be the Christmas no.6, when it should really have disappeared from the chart altogether.)

There are currently over 30 Christmas songs or old Christmas hits (such as Bohemian Rhapsody) in the Top 200 downloads chart!

There are some other changes from tomorrow, involving lengthening the time limit for chart-eligible CD singles to 25 minutes and allowing up to four tracks instead of three. However, if you examine CDs in the shops as much as I do, you'll be as confused as I am, as there are several recent releases which have had as many as five tracks plus a video on them, but seem to have been allowed into the singles chart regardless.

One of the worst things about all this is that, just as the chart becomes even more unpredictable and exciting, there are still no rumours of Radio 1 ending the disastrous JK and Joel experiment, so the Top 40 show will remain presented by idiots who know little or nothing about the music they're playing and are more interested in filling airtime with their inane chatter. They can't even manage to pronounce 'Siempre' properly, on the evidence of last week's album chart rundown, which I had the misfortune to hear, in a moment of Christmas Eve weakness. (I don't listen to the Radio 1 chart show any more, unless I find myself in the car. I just tune in at the end for the countdown.)

Radio 1, please give us back our chart show, with some decent presenters, because the chart is about to become interesting again and it would be nice to have it presented on a show that was listenable. Pretty please?

Happy New Year!


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Happy Christmas! Better late than never. I've been a bit busy...


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There are loads of songs about Christmas, and a few about New Year, but I don't think there are many songs about today, 17 December. Luckily, hunky Swede Magnus Carlsson - him on the left who used to be in Alcazar - has put that right, as he sings 'It's Christmas in a week and a day', which, according to my diary, is today (for those of us who celebrate on 25 December). He promises to wrap himself in paper as a Christmas present. Santa, is it too late to change my list? He'd be better than a Wii, any day, if you ask me.

Feel free to download Magnus Carlsson's 'Wrap Myself In Paper' from here, or the link below (for a limited time only). It's fab!

http://rapidshare.com/files/7917818/Magnus_Carlsson_-_Wrap_Myself_In_Paper.mp3


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Blimey! Respect is due to Sony BMG. At 00.01, I received this e-mail. I'm sure a few thousand other people on their mailing list did too, but I'm impressed. Congrats to the marketing department for mailing this at the very moment the download is officially released.


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It's Ray v. Leona.
It's North v. South.
It's male v. female.
It's Caucasian v. mixed race (with a controversial phone-in discussion on this very issue on Five Live yesterday).
It's the former Brooksider v. the Eastender.
It's the new Robbie v. the new Mariah.
(It's Simon Cowell v. Simon Cowell, unfortunately.)

But, after Leona being the favourite all the way through the live shows, it's too close to call because it's also The Entertainer v The Singer, and that's what makes it more exciting than I thought it would be.

Simon Cowell has often said that 'girls don't vote for girls', but I've seen some evidence that this is changing. The weekly 'instant reaction' polls at tvpolls.co.uk, in which I always vote, have consistently shown Leona in the lead, with a voting audience that is always around two-thirds female (amongst the self-selecting voters). At this very moment, with 62% of tonight's voters being female, Leona has 68% versus Ray's 32%, so she can definitely win this. It's also a myth that black artists don't win TV talent shows with public voting. Several years ago, a young, black, Bristolian woman called Celestine won the BBC's Search For A Star. (Goodness only knows what happened to her though.) Lenny Henry was considerably more successful after winning New Faces, but it was also a long time ago. I think Leona should win it, even if Jamelia's not keen, but you never know.

UPDATE after the first programme:

I'm an emotional wreck after watching that superb show! I thought that was all brilliant. I was quite choked after watching little Sean from Wigan (left) do a really good surprise performance and then I cried with laughter at the cacophony created by all the failed auditionees. Did you see that woman who had only one line to sing, and missed it? She'll be kicking herself for the rest of her life over that one! (Who was she anyway? I didn't recognise her.)

Most importantly, Ray and Leona produced six superb performances. They're wisely going for different audiences, but they have both performed to the best of their ability when it mattered tonight, which was great to watch. I was indignant when Westlife appeared to help Ray, but it all made sense when Take That appeared with Leona. Excellent idea, and great to see the boyband of the nineties on the same stage as the boys who took their place in the noughties.

My prediction? Kate will say it's very close, just to squeeze more money out of the punters.

I'm not voting, but I do hope Leona wins, for all sorts of reasons. I'll probably never buy anything she does apart from the forthcoming Christmas number one single, but for sheer talent she deserves to win. And if a fat Glaswegian woman can win a talent series, then a beautiful London woman certainly can. Not that I have anything against fat Glaswegian women in general, or Michelle McManus specifically, but some irrational people probably do and it didn't stop her winning Pop Idol against a good-looking cheeky chappie bloke (AKA Mark Rhodes), so there are parallels which can be made with tonight.

UPDATE after Ray and Leona both sing the single, A Moment Like This:
If it takes this last performance to swing it, then Leona has it in the bag. It's so obvious that this Kelly Clarkson song was picked with Leona in mind; it's so much more suited to her voice than Ray's. He gave it his best shot, but she has absolutely 'nailed it' and 'made it her own', to use two of the well-worn cliches of this series. You go girl!

UPDATE @22:20:

It's Leona! Hurrah! Bless you, Raymond Quinn, for being so pleased for her. You're a gent. Tonight, Leona sang with Take That. In eight days' time, she'll probably be knocking them off the number one spot on Christmas Eve. They've experienced this before. Leona is the new Mr Blobby!

Well done also to Gary Barlow, for publicly urging Simon Cowell to make the most of Leona's talents and to produce a worthwhile album with her. I couldn't help wondering if he was making a pitch for a share of the songwriter duties though.

UPDATE @ 23:14

Simon Cowell says that Leona's single, which isn't officially available for download until midnight (or it would be eligible for tomorrow's chart, which they don't want) has sold 20,000 in five minutes, making it the fastest selling download ever, ever, ever. (I'm presuming you can pay by text message before midnight, then download after?)


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Tonight, whilst kidding myself that I have been doing 'online Christmas shopping', I have stumbled across three bargainous music DVDs for a fiver each and bought them all for myself. I have bought nothing for anyone else.

I've treated myself to:

Pet Shop Boys - Somewhere: Live At The Savoy Theatre (HMV £4.99)

Soft Cell - Tainted Live (HMV £4.99)

Kylie - Fever 2002 - Live In Manchester (BangCD £4.99)

Yes, that's Pet Shop Boys, Soft Cell and Kylie. How gay can you get?


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Today is the fourth anniversary of the death of my Gran, something which was very much on my mind today, especially when I spoke to my Mum earlier. We both said that we were intending to watch the Victoria Wood wartime drama on ITV1 tonight, Housewife, 49. What I didn’t realise beforehand was that it was set around Barrow-in-Furness, with mentions in the script of the munitions factory there. This was quite spooky, because during the war my gran and grandad, along with his sister and her husband, moved up from Coventry so that they could work in that very munitions factory. That’s the reason my Mum was born in 1943 in Ulverston, just down the road. Of all the days this drama could have been on…it was very poignant. Gran would have loved it, as I did too. Victoria Wood was perfect in the title rôle, as was David Threlfall, playing her uptight husband. He was only recognisable from Shameless by his voice. He looked like a completely different person.


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Congratulations to Zara Phillips for winning the BBC’s Sports Personality of the Year award this evening, at the NEC, here in Birmingham. (I would have gone, but the tickets sold out in an hour, for this first, bigger, public event, after 50 years of it being held in a TV studio.) Zara's Mum won the same award 35 years ago. It’s been a funny year for the Sports Personality award, as there hasn’t been an obvious winner, due in no small part to the coincidental low points which the England football, rugby and cricket teams are all suffering this year. (I am aware that there are other countries in the UK, but you get my point.)

Darren Clarke, the golfer, came second, which should please him as he said he didn’t want to win it on a wave of sympathy after his wife died just before he and a few others won the Ryder Cup. Our champion gymnast Beth Tweddle came third. Overall, good results, I think, showing that the public does sometimes know how to vote for achievement over celebrity. Zara Phillips is the current three day eventing world champion. Princess Anne was only the European champion in the same sport when she won the award, so daughter Zara has gone one better, which may compensate slightly for her Mum forbidding her from ever being made a princess.


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Here's the new video from The Conways; a pumping, discotastic version of The Nick Straker Band's only hit, 'A Walk In The Park' from 1980. Blimey, have these Conway sisters lost their inhibitions since last year's X Factor, or what?!

What's that? Oh, different Conways, you say? This is actually Daz Sampson, you say, under yet another pseudonym? That explains everything. Fabulosa.

(Via Popjustice.)


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Remember last year's X Factor? When it came down to three acts, it was the final. Journey South went home after the early bit, then Andy Abrahams and Shayne Ward battled it out for the 1% of the votes that eventually split them. This year, they're dragging it out for another week, apparently so they can rob the final of Strictly Come Dancing of viewers next week, so we go from three down to two tomorrow.

If there's any justice, Ray will be off, but Ben's previous presence in the bottom two means he can't take things (like votes) for granted, even when he performs brilliantly. Raymondo is a great performer, but a singing lightweight compared to Ben and Leona. Does anyone think Ray can actually win this competition?

The special guest is a special Gest by the name of David, freshly scrubbed from the jungle and his appearance on 8 Out Of 10 Cats tonight. In a break with X Factor tradition, David Gest doesn't appear to have an album out on Monday. Come on Simon, you haven't had your Angelis group on yet! They have an album out! What are you playing at?

These are tomorrow's songs:

Sharon's soloist:

Ben:
I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For (U2, #6 in 1987)
(Everything I Do) I Do It For You (#1 for most of 1991 for Bryan Adams.)

Simon's pair:

Leona:
I Have Nothing (Whitney Houston, #3 in 1993, from ‘The Bodyguard’)
Somewhere Over The Rainbow (Judy Garland or Eva Cassidy or Shayne Ward, depending on your age, but none of them have had a hit with it. The only person who ever has is Cliff Richard!)

Ray:
Smile (Nat ‘King’ Cole, #2 in 1954. The song Ray performed for Simon and Sinitta at the Miami boot camp.)
You’ll Never Walk Alone (Liverpool FC perennial, originally from ‘Carousel’ and number one twice, for Gerry & The Pacemakers and The Crowd. Also a #21 hit for Carreras, Domingo and Pavarotti with Mehta in 1998.)

Louis's function: unknown.


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If you watch Hollyoaks, you'll be interested to know that Max Cunningham currently looks exactly how I've felt for most of the last two months. Worryingly, I have a horrible feeling he's going to die in the next few days (and I'm currently resisting the temptation to look ahead at the TV listings). This is not good (for either of us).


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Some people have been sacked for writing about their work on their blogs. In cases like the flight attendant and the Edinburgh bookshop bloke, this was a very bad thing indeed, but Chig is not stupid. That’s why, in the five years of this blog, he has never done any more than obliquely allude to the day job and would never write anything more specific about it.

Good. Glad we’ve clarified that.

Now, let’s play a little game! It’s rôleplay time. I’m going to set the scene and then give you three purely hypothetical situations. What I’d like you to do is tell me what you would do in each case. There is no prize, other than the immensely gratifying thought that you may have saved the sanity of a hypothetical person or persons whose identity/identities cannot be revealed (because they're not real).

Setting the scene:

Imagine, if you will, that you’ve been out of the office for about six weeks, perhaps due to illness. When you return to work, still feeling like death warmed up, still waiting for the get well card from your colleagues that must have been lost in the post and still feeling ever-so-slightly anti-social, unable to breathe properly due to ten weeks of sinusitis (and a hospital appointment still a month away) and unable to stay alert because you’re still not on a high enough dosage of thyroxine, you find that some things have changed. The radical ‘upgrade’ of the computer software that forms the core of your working day has ‘gone live’ in your absence and your colleagues seem resigned to the fact that it’s made many things worse instead of better. Someone has also been moving the office furniture around… Now, let’s play ‘What Would You Do?’

Scenario 1: The sexist language.

When you were involved in the testing of the ‘upgraded’ software before it ‘went live’, you noticed that a new phrase had been introduced to label certain jobs. Work which requires two people to complete, perhaps because it involves climbing onto a rooftop or up a pylon, or requires heavy machinery, was now labelled ‘two man job’. This concept never existed before. You pointed out to your manager that the phrase ‘two man job’ was perhaps ill-advised in this enlightened day and age, especially when not all of the technicians who would be doing said jobs are male and when your massive, pan-international company has a policy of non-sexist language. You suggested that it may even be illegal to specify which gender should do a job that can be done by any human being, regardless of penis or vagina presence. You suggested that it be changed to ‘two person job’ or just ‘two techs’ for the sake of brevity. Two months later, the system is now in use and the label is still there, looking down at you from your screen as you work, niggling you every day. What would you do?

(a) Just ignore it. It’s political correctness gone mad! Everyone knows what it means, so stop being such a pedant. What are ladies doing climbing pylons anyway? They may smudge their make-up. Now where’s my Daily Mail gone?
(b) Mention it once more, then grin and bear it. It’s annoying, but some of your managers are so stuck in the 1970s that it’s impossible trying to reason with them.
(c) Get all your colleagues on your side, then mention ‘company policy’, ‘sexism’ and ‘legislation’ in a team meeting in an attempt to embarrass your managers into getting it changed, quick smart!
(d) Take the direct route to the senior managers who you rarely meet and the HR people who are a bit more socially aware, suggest to them that this is surely against company policy and insist that your chauvinist manager be disciplined, preferably in front of everyone else.
(e) Something else.


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Scenario 2: The illiterate rubbish.

In a similar vein to the imaginary scenario above, imagine that another thing you mentioned during the system testing has also ‘gone live’, despite you pointing out several problems with it two months ago. In the olden days (ie. for the last four years), everyone in your team created their own fax template for the faxes which they send to external companies every day. You always thought this was a ridiculous situation, but it just evolved because your manager refuses to care about the quality of documents that go out of the building. Some people’s faxes were good, some were okay and some were shockingly bad, but at least they all had the company logo on, and you were confident that the version you created was probably the best of the bunch as you had taken care to almost imitate the company font and you knew how to use the spellchecker, which other colleagues seem unable to locate. When you were told that the new system would ‘auto-complete’ these fax forms, with minimal input from individuals, you were overjoyed! It would force people to produce decent looking documents. However, the ‘test version’ which looks like some kind of crap thrown together by a five year old has inexplicably found its way onto the new system. Your senior manager told you two months ago that this version wouldn’t be used, when you told him it was ‘crap’. He seemed grateful when you handed him the version where you had circled over thirty mistakes in red pen, including a missing digit in the office phone number, an illegal claim and a version of the company logo that someone in the office has decided to redesign, badly, all by themselves. You are told that there are higher priorities to fix on the new system, but you suspect that some people think this travesty is actually okay to use. You now wonder what the people in corporate branding would say about this dog’s dinner of a document, and you wonder why some of your colleagues are dragging the company name into the dirt by actually sending out this embarrassing shite. But what would you do?

(a) Grit your teeth and use the new fax template, knowing it’s rubbish, but thinking ‘well, it’s the company that’s looking bad, not me – I wash my hands of the whole thing.’
(b) Mention it once more to the senior manager, telling them that you’re embarrassed to put your name to this drivel, but will do so if they insist.
(c) Say nothing, but keep on secretly using your own, much better, version, in which you do at least have some pride, until one day you’re spotted with it by the fax machine and you have a great big, albeit satisfying, row about the whole thing.
(d) Go on strike and refuse to liaise with outside companies by fax until this is resolved. Ensure that the people who are paid thousands of pounds in the ‘corporate branding’ and marketing departments mysteriously receive copies of the shoddy new fax in the internal mail. Sit back and await fallout.
(e) Something else.
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Scenario 3: The right to light.

Imagine that, just before you went off sick, your ‘office manager’ spent a lot of time one day emptying one of the big stationery cupboards by the wall while you exchanged quizzical looks with your colleagues, before she huffed and puffed and pushed it across the office to the other side, then refilled it. That’s the side of the office which is the only one with windows. In fact, it is a window, from floor to just above head height, and is your only source of natural light. She left the cupboard there, in the way, without asking anyone if it was okay. You later moaned to a colleague that it was blocking the light and your view of the (admittedly not very scenic) road and trees outside. He was similarly annoyed about it, but you went off sick soon after that and forgot about it. Six weeks later, you returned to find that, not only was cupboard number one still blocking the window, but now a second big cupboard had been moved next to it, leaving one end of the office very gloomy indeed. A third unit, of shelves this time, had been placed next to them, mercifully unfilled at this time and not obstructing too much light as it’s backless, but the threat was there. You discovered that your colleagues had been moaning amongst themselves about the windows being blocked, but no one had said anything to the two people who matter. (Having seen the way your manager shouted at a colleague who dared to ask about the office radio during the team meeting on your second day back, you are not surprised that they have been so timid.) There is now only six inches of blind visible above these cupboards. Astoundingly, the first morning that you go to pull up these blinds to at least let in the little light that’s available, your manager asks you not to, as the cords are apparently getting in the way of the cupboards. You suggest that the cords wouldn’t be in the way of the cupboards if the cupboards weren’t there. He asks if it’s worth you pulling up six inches of blind and you reply that you are trying to ‘maximise the natural light’. He scoffs, but you do it anyway and shut up, despite the fact that you are shaking with rage by this point.

At home, you do some research on the internet and discover, as you suspected, that there is UK legislation about natural light in offices. The five websites you look at all seem to suggest that it has been illegal since 1996 to obscure natural light. More specifically, it seems employers are obliged to ‘maximise available natural light’ and make sure that furniture is not placed in such a way that natural light is obscured. You cut and paste information from these websites into a document that you then e-mail to yourself at work, but haven’t yet plucked up the courage to confront your manager about it. So, what would you do?

(a) Nothing. Who wants to see trees, cars and the outside world anyway? I’m far too busy working to look out of the window. Anyway, I work in an underground bunker, lit only by flickering neon tubes. You should think yourself lucky.
(b) Nothing specific, except sit and make snidey comments like ‘it’s a bit gloomy in here today, isn’t it?’ You hope that one of your colleagues will mention the cupboards and tell yourself that, if they do, you will back them up, but you know deep down that no one ever will.
(c) Print out your brilliant document on ‘light law’ and leave it anonymously on your manager’s desk, highlighting the bit about ‘liability’ and prosecution by the Health & Safety Executive.
(d) Mention it for the first time at the next team meeting, producing your document at the same time, causing maximum embarrassment to your line manager and office manager and asking who wants to help you move the cupboards back to the other wall.
(e) Something else.

It’s all purely hypothetical, of course, but, in the interests of research, Chig is interested in hearing your opinions, especially if you have found yourself in anything similar to these outrageously made up situations. I thank you.


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Well, well, well. It shows what you can achieve by eating a kangaroo's anus on prime time TV. (It wasn't still attached to the kangaroo, I feel I should point out, for those who didn't watch.) The artist formerly known as Matty Jay, 'the one who keeps dropping his trousers in Busted', now Matt Willis, performed this disgusting act on the final show of I'm A Celebrity...Get Me Out Of Here! tonight and managed to turn the top three upside-down, pushing Jason Donovan into third, while FHM and Loaded readers voted in their millions to secure second place and a few more bikini photoshoots for Myleene Klass.

The trials producer for this series is one of my sister's best friends. (That's my excuse for watching it every day. What's yours?!) I couldn't resist sending a text to her in Australia tonight after Myleene's 'Scary-oake' Bushtucker Trial. As Myleene sang her way through various songs, while having unpleasant substances and creatures dropped onto her, I thought the final track would surely be 'Pure And Simple', which would have been hilarious. However, as I texted to our friend on set in Australia, they missed a trick. They went for Britney over Hear'say.

After going through his final trial tonight, where Matt Willis ate live mealworms, a live witchetty grub (check the amusing link!), a crocodile eye, a kangaroo anus and a substantial bite of a crocodile's penis, I really think he deserved to win. The surge of votes must have been enormous. I even considered voting for him myself, then remembered that Michael Grade doesn't need my 50p. I've also enjoyed Matt's 'bush telegraph' pieces to camera over the last three weeks, where he's been very perceptive and occasionally illuminating about the other contestants and very entertaining with some of his one liners. Well done Matt!

Matt Willis's debut solo album (left), which has a crappily forgettable title and a cover which makes him look like Hitler trying to hide his moustache, was released last week.. It dribbled into the album chart at #66 on Sunday. Poor boy.




Jason Donovan's repackaged Greatest Hits album (left) is out next week; Monday 4 December. It has exactly the same thirteen tracks on as the 1991 Greatest Hits (right), but with 'Any Dream Will Do' added, and the 1991 bonus track 'Fool Such As I' removed. And a different cover.

Myleene Klass, as far as we know, doesn't have any 'product' out soon, apart from the photoshoots. Her solo album from three years ago is still available though, and you can probably find the second Hear'say album in the bargain bin at Woolies for about 99p.


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Shocker! He'd been the favourite until 24 hours ago, when Jason Donovan overtook him, but now David Gest is out of the jungle! I felt sure he'd finish second, but he's fourth. The way is now clear for my new Antipodean chum to win. He came in my post today as well, if you'll forgive the expression. EMI are using Jason's newly raised profile to release a repackaged Greatest Hits on Monday. Obviously, I've had his previous Greatest Hits CD since it was released in 1991 (and that was free too, as my best friend worked for Warner, who distributed PWL at the time), but if the lovely people at EMI insist on sending me Jason Donovan freebies, I will not complain. (They've used one of my fave classic Jason photos for the new cover too.)

PS. After only 24 hours, this blog is NUMBER ONE on Google for David Gest's supposed maid, 'Vaginika Semen'. Result! Hello, Mr Gest. Lovely to have you here...


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Six of the eight songs for this week's X Factor were revealed in tonight's Aftermath show, which also showed Eton Road packing their valises and leaving the house on Monday. (Farewell boys, sob, sob. Love you all, mwah, mwah.) The merciless plugging of MOR artists continues apace, with Barry Manilow this week. Christ on a bike. Two of the songs weren't revealed. If the MacDonalds don't get votes from the whole of Scotland for this song, I'll eat my kilt. (Happy St. Andrew's Day to you both, and happy birthday to Brian for two days ago. Twenty now. Old enough, if you know what I mean.)

If we learnt one thing last Saturday, it's that no one's safe, after Ben did two blinding performances and still ended up in the bottom two. That Leona/Ben final doesn't look so safe anymore, even though the bookies still have them as the top two. My ten pound bet on the MacDonalds at 12/1, before the series started, looks less stupid with every passing week!

Theme 1: Barry Manilow
Theme 2: Their own choice

Leona: Could It Be Magic? / Without You (Nilsson/Mariah Carey)

Ray: Mandy / My Way (Frank Sinatra) (Two songs on a stool with no dancing = doomed, surely?)

Ben: (Manilow song not revealed.) / Somebody To Love (a cappella) (Queen)

MacDonald Bros. (Manilow song not revealed.) / Shang-A-Lang (Bay City Rollers)


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For the love of Vaginika Semen! Looking good Jan...
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Only six acts left, with a theme of Number Ones, making 1,046 songs to choose from, and what do they do? They pick two thirds of the available options from Wet Wet Wet. Whatever happened to variety? Once again, the MacDonalds pass up an opportunity to do a decent, uptempo song, and once again I will say that they are doomed to bottom two status. If I keep saying it, one day it will come true. Not that I want it to. I just want them to do an uplifting, rocky song.

Tomorrow's Number One songs are:

Louis's two-ee:
Eton Road - I Don't Feel Like Dancin' (No.1 for Scissor Sisters)
MacDonald Bros. - Love Is All Around (No.1 for Wet Wet Wet)

Sharon's chanteurs:
Ben - With A Little Help From My Friends (No.1 for Joe Cocker AND Wet Wet Wet AND Sam & Mark)
Robert - You Are Not Alone (No.1 for Michael Jackson)

Simon's sidekicks:
Leona - Bridge Over Troubled Water (No.1 for Simon and Garfunkel)
Ray - Livin' La Vida Loca (No.1 for Ricky Martin) This will NOT be performed in a swing style!

I'm looking forward to seeing Eton Road do Scissor Sisters. I'm imagining Anthony doing his falsetto Jake Shears impression as I write. I imagine Leona will 'nail' her song too. So, bottom two prediction: Robert and the MacDonalds. Simon will save Robert, the Macs will be gone, and I will have to resort to my DVD of the ABBA show (thank you James!) if I ever want to see Brian MacD's lovely smiley face again. Sigh.

I won't be watching the show here at home tomorrow, so there won't be any real time updates. Enjoy!

(PS. Have you read the NOTW's 'revelations' about Eton Road and Ray? They rehearsed together before the first auditions! There are photos to prove it! Scandal! Not.)
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It's back to a female voice for the speaking clock. Sara Mendes da Costa is the winner, announced on Children In Need tonight, of the competition to provide the nation's timecheck, 'sponsored by Accurist' for the next twenty years or so. With a name like that, I wonder if she could record the times in Spanish too? BT could offer it as an alternative service. Anyway, she seems very nice, and her voice is warm, yet crystal clear and precise, which is ideal (and probably explains why she works as a voiceover artist).


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My lovely friends Jackie and Simon (left) have produced their first baby, today at 00:58. Well done to both of you and best wishes to baby Thomas!

(Artist's impression only. Actual baby may differ from the one shown.)


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I'd just like it to be recorded here for posterity that Aston Villa were third in the Premiership for 24 hours until this afternoon. We're not used to this. We're fourth now, after Arsenal won today and leapfrogged us.


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Simon's trio:
Nikitta - The Last Dance (Donna Summer)
Ray - Crazy Little Thing Called Love (Queen)
Leona - Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word (Elton John)

Sharon's pair:
Ben - I Don't Want To Miss A Thing (Aerosmith)
Robert - Always And Forever (Heatwave)

Louis's groups:
MacDonald Bros. - She's The One (Robbie Williams)
Eton Road - From Me To You (The Beatles). Four cheeky lads from Liverpool doing a Beatles song? Wonder where that idea came from?

Based on that selection and the last weeks' performances, I would expect to see Nikitta and the MacDonalds in the bottom two, or one of them plus Robert again. Nikitta's performance can only evoke unfavourable comparisons with Brenda, who did a brilliant version of the same song last year.

If the last three in this competition aren't Ben, Eton Road and Leona, probably with Ray as fourth, I'll be very surprised. How about you?

20:05 UPDATE (after programme one)

Bloody hell! Where did Robert drag that performance from? That was fantastic. I would put him and Leona as my top two; they saved the best two acts for last. (Leona still doesn't appeal to me at all, but her singing tonight was almost faultless.) This week, I'll stick with my pre-show predictions for the bottom two. Nikitta was out of tune again. (Louis must have heard a different performance when he told her, "you nailed it".) The MacDonalds were the best they've ever been, but everyone else except Nikitta was better. The decision will be Sharon's. Hard to predict.

The bigger question is...why have ITV swapped Millionaire and Family Fortunes around?

LATER UPDATE:
I feel sorry for Nikitta, but once again it was the right decision tonight. When three acts were left, including Ray, I was gobsmacked that it wasn't the MacDonalds and Nikitta in the bottom two. I thought Ray was great - again. Anyone have any ideas why he didn't get the public's votes?

Next week's guests are Westlife, with Number Ones the theme. The MacDonalds could do Mull Of Kintyre...


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"How long have you been coming?", asked the BBC's Clare Balding this morning, as she thrust her microphone in the face of an elderly woman watching the Lord Mayor's Show in London. "Every year," replied the spectator, "since it started."

To be fair, she was looking pretty good for an 800 year-old.


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An absolute gem, courtesy of today's Popbitch mailing.
Isn't that 'sick man' John Waters?!


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Well, well, well. It was only a month ago yesterday that I met and chatted to the lovely Jason Donovan, and now he's immediately the bookies' favourite to win I'm A Celebrity...Get Me Out Of Here! Funny, he didn't mention it.

Once again, it's a strange, yet possibly brilliant, mix of people, but at least there's only one I've never heard of. Step forward, Phina Oruche! Jan Leeming fulfils the Jenny Frost role by being of minor interest to Eurovision fans. She hosted Eurovision in 1982, after Buck's Fizz had brought the contest home to, er, Harrogate.

I like Myleene Klass rather a lot, Toby Anstis is a decent bloke, and David Gest is, er, unusual. TV addicts may recall that all three of these featured in a programme together only a few weeks ago; five's Friday night variety contest for celebs. Myleene co-hosted, Toby was a contestant (as a dancer) and David was a guest judge. Mr. Gest has already put up with Liza Minelli, so a few bugs and snakes shouldn't be any problem. The second best contestant (after Jason) is surely Matt Willis, fulfilling the Antony Costa ex-boyband role. From The Priory to the jungle - it should be very entertaining, especially when they're allowed alcohol. Lauren Booth has the potential to make Tony Blair's exit a little sooner than he planned, if she spills any family secrets; she's his sister-in-law.

Finally, I wonder if Faith Brown has learnt to 'do' anyone new since Maggie Thatcher? We'll find out next week. I'm hooked already.




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Manchester United are three points clear at the top of the Premiership.
They are the holders of the Carling Cup.

Southend United are struggling, three points astray at the very bottom of the next league down, the Championship.

Yesterday, Sir Alex Ferguson celebrated twenty years in charge of Man United, in an age where the average length of tenure for a Premiership manager is just over one year. So how did his team of pampered millionaires repay him tonight in their Carling Cup game? They were knocked out, 1-0 at Southend.

Unbelievable. That's one of the most amazing results in the 47 years of the competition.

My friend Joe, a Southend supporter, was at the game and rang me afterwards. I think he was still in shock.

(PS. Continuing the theme of the previous post, Man United had a David Jones playing for them tonight.)


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It's time to stop being coy. Please feel free to come forward with your guesses for the Jones quiz below. I know you know most of them, but only nine have been named (or hinted at enough that I know you know, if you see what I mean). I'll give some clues for the remaining eleven.

The correct answers so far:

8 = Quincy Jones. Correctly guessed by Simon.
9 = Jesus Jones, which Simon also knew.
10 = Donell Jones. Good guess, Mike!
14 = Shirley Jones (shown with David Cassidy). Mike clearly knew this one. I wouldn't have had a clue. The Partridge Family's TV show was just a little too early for me.
15 = Paul Jones of Manfred Mann. What a stunner he was too. Well done Mike again.
17 = Mick Jones of The Clash. Mike correct again.
18 = Norah Jones. Mike again.
19 = Tom Jones. He was first on the organisers' list to entertain the Joneses last Friday, until someone pointed out that he was born Thomas Jones Woodward. He was crossed off the list and not allowed to attend. Whereas...
20 = David Bowie, born David Jones, as Mike and Simon both knew. He would have been able to attend, but I've no idea if he did. I didn't include his namesake, Davy Jones from The Monkees. I thought twenty Joneses was more than enough!

Now some clues for the others:

1, 2 & 3: Oh come on, just name them. You don't need clues.
4: Drawing a blank on this German duo?
5: Just the one freshly squeezed meteorological hit.
6: Knows 13 and 19 pretty well, the pretty boy.
7: No New Songs, just the 80s revivalist tours.
11: But did she mean with Di or Camilla?
12: He's a handy man with good timing.
13: Very close to 6 and also a hit with 19.
16: Without her sisters, but on the Queer As Folk soundtrack. (Yes, the picture is from this year's Manchester Pride!)

Go, go, go!


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Have you recorded the weekend's X Factor shows, either on DVD or on tape? My sister's DVD recorder has apparently failed to record them, so now I don't have a copy of the programme to send to my friend in Sweden, as I promised. I will pay for a copy in either format!

Yours, in desperation,
Chig


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Here's a brief checklist for tonight's X Factor. See how many you can tick off.

1) Louis tells a performer that 'you really owned that stage'. (Not sure. Did he?)
2) Simon overstates Leona's talent. (Yes!)
3) Louis says of Ray that 'the mammies love him'. (Possibly not, for the first time.)
4) The MacDonald Bros. disappoint yet again, because useless Louis has assigned them a slow song AGAIN (ie. Fernando), when what they really should be doing is a rocky, up-tempo number (ie. Voulez-Vous?, Does Your Mother Know?), in their own style and their own clothes (ie. jeans and leather/denim jackets). (Yes, sadly I was right. They'll be in the bottom two.)
5) Ashley sings out of tune AGAIN and gets away with it AGAIN. (Yes! Verses were okay, but choruses flat as pancakes. Also fluffed the words slightly AGAIN.)
6) A judge tells a contestant that 'you made that song your own'. (Yes! Louis said it to Ben.)
7) Everyone mispronounces the name of tonight's special guest, Björn Ulvæus. It rhymes with 'churn', not with 'worn', but will anyone manage it? He's only been famous for 32 years... (Yes, sadly, Kate Thornton gets it wrong every time.)8) Eton Road do one of the best performances again, but Simon slags them off unjustifiably, because he's really worried they're going to win. (Yes, again.)

I've already had texts from my Swedish friend, asking me to send a copy of tonight's programme over to Helsingborgs for him.

Here's what they're all singing in tonight's Abba special:

Simon's team:
Nikitta - Dancing Queen
Ray - Waterloo
Leona - Chiquitita (She didn't know the song before this week.)
Ashley - The Winner Takes It All (He didn't know this one before either.)

Sharon's pair:
Ben - S.O.S.
Robert - Take A Chance On Me

Louis's groups:
Eton Road - Does Your Mother Know? (So suitable, musically and lyrically!)
MacDonald Bros. - Fernando

I'm looking forward to that Eton Road performance. They're really starting to impress me.

Does anyone know if there's some repackaged Abba 'product' coming out soon? I'm not aware of any. (Update: Yes, there is. Thanks to Ice in the comments box. An album called 'Number Ones' is out on Monday. It contains their nine number ones and 22 other tracks. Everyone already has Abba Gold. Why bother?)

If not, this week is a welcome break So, this week is a continuation of the blatant album plugging that's dictated the themes and special guests so far. Here's the evidence:

Week 1 guest: Lionel Richie: Album released five weeks earlier. Single released three weeks before the show - failed to make the top 40.
Week 2 guest: Rod Stewart: New album released two days later.
Week 3 guest: Tony Bennett: New album released two days later.
Week 4 guest: Björn Ulvæus: Yet another repackaging of Abba's hits released two days later.
Week 5 guest: Rumoured to be Julio Iglesias, who has a new album out on Monday. What will the contestants sing? Seven versions of Begin The Beguine?

I think I'll consult the album release schedules for the next few weeks, to see who the rest of The X Factor's guests will be.

UPDATE (after programme one):

My scores for tonight's performances (out of ten):
Nikitta = 5 (Flat all the way through.)
Eton Road = 8 (Excellent, sexy and in tune, although sometimes they look a bit like 'The Odd One' and his backing group.)
Robert = 7 (Based on the reprise - I had a phone call when he was on!)
Leona = 6 (I just don't like her style of singing, but I'm trying to be objective.)
MacDonald Bros. = The blond one rescues them again vocally, but this was as karaoke as I'd feared and that guitar solo was weird. I love this two, but I wish they could shine.)
Ray = 9 (Amazing! Thoroughly professional, confident performance. Great to hear Waterloo done in a totally different (swing) arrangement. It worked!
Ben = 9.5 (I wrote down 'sounds like Meat Loaf' before the judges said it, and I meant it in a good way. This was superb.)
Ashley = 5.5 (Okay verses, but lost the tune in the choruses. He's okay on the low notes, but not in the high notes. For some reason, Sharon says the complete opposite of this. Does she know the difference between high and low? He also forgot the words at the end. During the song, he also sang 'about WHAT we've gone through' twice, which just grates when we all know the words of Abba songs so well and know it's 'about THINGS we've gone through'.)

My bottom two: Nikitta and Ashley, but it'll probably be Nikitta and the MacDonald Bros. Simon will save Nikitta, Louis will save the boys, and then Sharon will be torn, because she has criticised both acts, but she'll send Nikitta home, for the sake of reducing Simon's four acts. Hopefully. It's gonna be tense!


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Today in Cardiff, there's a gathering of Joneses going on. They're attempting to get 2,000 people called Jones together, including the scrumptious Blue Peter presenter Gethin Jones (left), who is co-hosting. (Blue Peter has suddenly experienced a resurgence of popularity in Chig Mansions, since I've been off sick.) This will smash the world record for the most people with the same name gathered in one place, which currently stands at 583 Norbergs. They met up in a place that's also called Norberg, in Sweden, and sang a song about the Norbergs too. As you would.

You can see the BBC's video report on today's record attempt here. (Click on 'BBC News in audio and video' at the top, then 'Entertainment' in the drop-down menu.) The reporter is Emma Jones (of course), but the man organising the event is called Hughes. Huh?

I've just rung my friend Simon, fellow blogger of these parts, and asked him if he's in Cardiff with his namesakes, but he isn't. He did say that several people have asked him the same question today. He has promised to write something later about this momentous gathering of his extended family. (No pressure then, Si!)

The entertainment in Cardiff today is all being provided by artists called Jones, including the scary woman in picture number 1 below. I'm not sure if they'll be emulating the Norbergs and singing any songs about the Joneses, but they certainly have a few to choose from. Here's Chig's Chart of Jones hits, which includes all twelve UK top 40 hits with Jones in the title, according to everyhit.com. As you can see, there are some Scandinavians currently at the top of this pile as well. Aqua had a Norreen and a Nystrøm, but no Norberg.

Position - (Original Chart Peak) - Title - Artist - (Year)

01 (01) Doctor Jones - Aqua - 1998
02 (04) The Ballad of Tom Jones - Space with Cerys of Catatonia - 1998
03 (05) Nathan Jones - The Supremes - 1971
04 (07) Angela Jones - Michael Cox - 1960
05 (12) Me and Mrs. Jones - Billy Paul - 1973
06 (15) Nathan Jones - Bananarama - 1988
07 (17) Jones vs. Jones - Kool & The Gang - 1981
08 (24) Delilah Jones - The McGuire Sisters - 1956
09 (26) Jonestown Mind - The Almighty - 1995
10 (28) Mr. Jones - Counting Crows - 1994
11 (31) Tom Jones International - Tom Jones - 2002
12 (32) Me and Mrs. Jones - Freddie Jackson - 1992

And now, it's time, once again, for the Friday Fun Pop Quiz! Two weeks on the trot! (Please make the most of this, while I'm off work. This has taken bloomin' ages to prepare. The words 'rod', 'own' and 'back' have been muttered.)

Here are twenty hitmakers called Jones, in one way or another. (It's a bit cheeky!) They've all had top 40 hits in the UK, but not necessarily under the name of Jones. (Tee hee.) Can you name them? In the comments box please. As many as you like, but if you do happen to know them all, please just name a handful and let some others have a go. Thank you kindly. Answers from you by Monday night at the latest. I'll fill in any gaps on Tuesday. Have a good weekend!

Name the Joneses
(Ignore the well-known man in number 14 - it's the woman we're after.)












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Who would have thought, when I wrote the words, 'My first attempt!' here in the early hours of Friday 2 November 2001, that I'd still be here five years later, churning out irrelevant nonsense? Not me, probably. That week in 2001, I had just been to see Soft Cell at Birmingham Academy, and wrote about it. Last week, five years and three days later, I was in the very same venue watching Lordi. Plus ça change, plus c'est la même chose...

Happy Birthday dear blog and a big thanks to all those people who have given technical assistance and comments, both here and in the real world. I remain convinced that there are about about six people who read this regularly, even though viewing figures are higher than ever. I'm not fooled. Be warned, if you ever mention a certain Russian pretty boy singer, an ex-Brookside actor and last year's X Factor winner, you are destined to receive dozens of visitors per day, for months without end, it seems. None of them stay; they're just looking for pictures of Dima, Phil and Shayne. Damn! I've mentioned them again.

Two separate people said to me over the Summer words to the effect of, "I often look at your blog to see what you're up to" and I had to tell them that this isn't a very reliable source to see what I'm up to at all. If this blog was representative of my life, I'd be very concerned! It's very random, and it's a fair bet that the more I'm doing, the less is happening on here. If I'm not doing much, there's more time to write nonsense here (except when the 'not doing much' means 'ill in bed'). However, I'm grateful that those friends are reading. I'm grateful that you are reading. Yes, you. Hell, I'm grateful that anyone is reading, especially when you leave comments, because the feedback is what makes it all worthwhile.

Here's to five more years, if we can get the thyroxine levels stabilised...


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...so here's the video for Rock Steady.

The single is out next week, 6 November, according to Amazon here. Someone should tell All Saints' official website, which seems to think the single was released on 18 September. (Go to the Music tab, then Singles.) Yes, that's September. Marketing people, huh? You just can't get the staff...




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As promised. Well done to the Schlagerboys for getting the two that no one else could get, and to Diamond Geezer, Mike and Simon, who were all first to answer one of the others correctly.

Answers in bold.

Q1) Razorlight had a UK number one single a couple of weeks ago with 'America'. Can you list all of the other UK chart-toppers which have just the name of a sovereign country as their title? (No other words in the title, and no nationalities either, just a country name.)

The only answer to this is 'Barbados' by Typically Tropical. No other country name on its own has been a UK number one apart from Barbados and now America. (Both of them managed only one week at the top.)

Q2) Which 1980s Top 5 hit song was very nearly called 'It's America', but was changed by the act who sang it into something meaningless, because they thought it might cause offence?

It was 'It's A Miracle' by Culture Club, which was written as 'It's America' and is clearly about America, but changed when they got cold feet about releasing it there. It all makes sense if you sing 'it's America', but makes no sense at all in its recorded version.

Q3) Surprisingly, the word 'America' had never featured in the title of a chart-topping song before Razorlight, but who came closest, with the word 'American'? (Some of them have to be easy, to compensate for the tricky ones!)

It was the Malawian babysnatcher herself, Madonna, with American Pie in 2000.

Q4) Scissor Sisters are just two days away from possibly joining a very exclusive chart club. What will they have to do in Sunday's singles chart to join Dickie Valentine, Tommy Edwards, Michael Jackson and Eminem (and no others)?

They didn't do it. They fell from 4 to 10 instead, but if Scissor Sisters had fallen just one place to 5, it would have been only the fifth single in chart history to go 1,2,3,4,5 in consecutive weeks.

Q5) How many gay men are there in this photo? (See photo of Chig and Jemini below.)

The answer is two, much to my surprise. My gaydar clearly failed spectacularly in 2003. Despite meeting Chris and Gemma at A Song For Europe, where the photo below was taken, and being in Riga for the whole of Eurovision week, including attending Jemini's rehearsal's and media conferences, I had no idea until I read Tim Moore's Nul Points book earlier this month, which makes the point quite clearly, twice.
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Happy Hallowe'en! I found this picture several months ago, on Flickr (I think), and saved it to use today:



However, last night, much to my surprise, that very photo was on Have I Got News For You? So, we'll go with the other one I'd been saving instead:



Last night, I discovered my neighbours outside, carving holes in a pumpkin that was so enormous, I thought it was plastic. It turns out that it's real!



Other neighbours have grown this monster on their allotment, and it will take pride of place at our avenue's Hallowe'en party this evening. Hallowe'en parties, it vampires transpires, are like buses. I haven't been to one for years, and tonight I'm invited to two. The other one is indoors; it's an expansion party for the Loft Lounge, a restaurant and bar which only opened in late May, but which has already become so busy that they've knocked through and are opening up the expanded room tonight. Much as I love my neighbours, it'll be warmer indoors. I still can't quite believe how big this pumpkin is though. The insides have been scraped out and will be feeding our avenue for most of November. Have you ever seen anything like it?


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Five questions. The first three are related. Answer as many as you like...

Q1) Razorlight had a UK number one single a couple of weeks ago with 'America'. Can you list all of the other UK chart-toppers which have just the name of a sovereign country as their title? (No other words in the title, and no nationalities either, just a country name.)

Q2) Which 1980s Top 5 hit song was very nearly called 'It's America', but was changed by the act who sang it into something meaningless, because they thought it might cause offence?

Q3) Surprisingly, the word 'America' had never featured in the title of a chart-topping song before Razorlight, but who came closest, with the word 'American'? (Some of them have to be easy, to compensate for the tricky ones!)

Q4) Scissor Sisters are just two days away from possibly joining a very exclusive chart club. What will they have to do in Sunday's singles chart to join Dickie Valentine, Tommy Edwards, Michael Jackson and Eminem (and no others)?

Q5) How many gay men are there in this photo?



Answers on Tuesday (ish) unless they're guessed correctly before then. Have a good weekend. I'm off to start applying my monster make-up for tonight. (Insert your own comments about not needing to...)


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There's a distinct possibility that I may leave the house this evening, to go to a gig. Guess who I'll be going to see? Here's a clue:


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Paul O'Grady's on holiday this week, leaving his show in the hands of a different guest presenter each day. Today it's - swoon! - Jesse Metcalfe. He's brought the girlfriend along (ie. he's interviewing Girls Aloud). Off to watch it now. I may have to tape this. Here are two pictures of Jesse, just because we can.


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This thyroxine medication has left my body clock completely FUBAR, which explains why I read the last four chapters of this book in the early hours today, finishing it at 06:25 this morning. It's quite possibly the most entertaining book I've ever read and I can't recommend it highly enough. If you have the slightest interest in Eurovision, put it on your Christmas list now. The book also works as a travelogue and an insight into the journalistic process itself. Tim Moore doesn't quite get to meet ALL of the nul pointers that he set out to meet, but he details their stories anyway, along with the frustrations of trying to contact has-been popstars up to 27 years after their heroic Eurovision failures. It's a very entertaining read, and chock full of stuff I didn't know. Superb.


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