Blogging LIVE! From Valetta! Birmingham!

It's multimedia multi-tasking night here at Chig Mansions. We're watching Maltese TV on t'internet in the lounge (via the link here on ESC Today's page). Malta is having a qualifying round tonight in their quest to choose this year's song for Eurovision, 'Malta Song For Europe 2007'. This is purely to fill a quiet Thursday night's television in Malta before Saturday's final, which will feature only six of tonight's sixteen songs. And boy, do they know how to fill a night's television, as last year's final was about four hours long. We are also trying to cook dinner and will be watching The Bill with the other eye.

I believe Malta may be sitting on the winner of this year's Eurovision in Helsinki. Olivia Lewis's 'Vertigo' is absolutely bloomin' fantastic. and if it's not one of the six songs that Malta picks tonight for Saturday's final, I will weep. It blends Western pop, Middle Eastern sounds that will allow Wogan to declare it has 'the whiff of the souk' without even waiting for Turkey's entry, and flamenco handclaps which should draw in the Southern European votes. Yet, it doesn't sound like the contrived mess that all that would imply. It has a good intro, a fabulous long note and an impactful ending. I adore it, and a look at my last.fm stats reveals that it's the track I have played most on my PC since November! I won't upload it anywhere, as previous ventures in that direction have turned out to be a waste of time, but if you ask me nicely, I will happily e-mail you the MP3.

The Schlagerboys are also tuning in for Malta. They've picked the six songs they think should go through to the final. Well, I say six...

LATER:

20:15. We're five songs into the webcast and I feel like I've zoomed into the 1980s. Is this modern Malta? Padded jackets and soft rock abound so far. Yuk! Bring on Olivia! Bring on the dancey pop!

Now there's some mincey queen singing Blue Suede Shoes and sashaying into the audience! Is this the interval act?

20:22. Bugger. My broadband connection went down and now the Maltese webcast is 'not accepting any more connections'. The Schlagerboys weren't wrong about that elastic band connecting Valetta to the world, were they? It must have snapped. Back to The Bill then. The spaghetti bolognese with veggie meatballs was lovely, thank you for asking.

20:32. We're still watching this:

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20:34. Ooh, we're back on! The female presenter is reading out a list of sponsors. This is soooo Malta. We may have missed the obligatory shot of someone or other arriving by Air Malta.

20:39. The Maltese version of Busted are on now. They're called Klinsmann Coleiro. They have clearly been drinking too much Red Bull as their song is called 'She Gives Me Wings'. The webcast is buffering badly, which makes it sound really out of tune. PC Honey Harman's colleagues still haven't twigged that she's dead.

20:43. The next singer, Julie Pomorski, is in a nightdress, on a swing, with a 1980s perm. Honey's fingerprints have been found at the scene of the drugs bust. Still the plods haven't realised that Zain is bent. Nightie girl is quite badly out of tune, even with no buffering.

20:46. Proving that simplicity is often best, Daniela Delicata (great name) is singing a jaunty little song, while playing a big guitar, à la Nicole. Sun Hill have been briefed that Honey is a high priority misper.

20:50. Malta's version of Cher now, half Cher's age but wearing a cross between a poncho and a flamenco dress. Good voice actually, but the song's too MOR for Eurovision. She's called Pamela, and The Bill's on an ad break.

20:54. Maltese TV's on an ad break too. Buitoni pizzas and Peugeot 207. Ooh blimey! They're back in the studio and the presenters aren't ready. Long silence. Someone brings a lecturn onto the stage. Now the presenters are singing Ruslana's 'Wild Dances', very badly. Smithy has found what we already know will turn out to be Honey's blood on the bridge.

20:58. Song 13 is by a band called Scar, or possibly SCAR. Ooh, fit skinhead lead singer, with one of those V-shaped guitars off of the 1970s. Divers are pulling Honey's body out of the river. The song's very average, but he's well horny. Zain has been rumbled. Preview of next episode. End credits.

21:02. Isabelle (or possibly Isabella) follows in the footsteps of Westlife and Justin Trousersnake by singing a song called 'My Love', written by a bloke I've met at a previous Eurovision, because he wrote a previous Maltese entry. It'll come to me later. It's a bit dull at the start, but improves. She could be Chiara's sister. Take that however you like.

21:06. 'Unite' by Mauro. I've had an MP3 of this one for a while, but I think I played it once. I'm remembering why now. Mauro's a pretty boy, but the song's a mess and there's too much business on stage. Someone behind him waves huge white wings, which, behind his white suit, are meant to symbolise a dove. "Peace for all", he says, in English, at the end, for those who haven't quite sussed the message.

21:10. Final song of the sixteen is Starlight by Trilogy, or is it Trilogy by Starlight? No, right first time. Woman starts, joined by one man then another. See how they thought up that name? Padded gold shoulder pads, and that's just the men. The song's passable.

21:12 A long shot of the hall reveals HUNDREDS of empty, red seats. Someone's forgotten to tell the hosts that the songs have finished as there's another long, embarrassing silence.

The reprise, in reverse order, seems to reveal that Olivia Lewis's vocal was okay-ish, but a bit exposed and shaky on the one long note in the clip. She was accompanied by two men in white tabards, who looked awful, to be quite honest. One was playing a violin in the way that so spectacularly didn't work for Albania two years ago. Have they learnt nothing? The song cries out for at least four men with large pectorals and no shirts on.

Blimey, is that Brian Dowling fronting the act called Rollercoaster Ride? And that Claudia Faniello clearly isn't worried about emulating her brother's horribly out of tune performance which saw Malta bottom of the scoreboard last year with one solitary point.

"Tony and Guy", say the hoists. "Classic Jewellers". Yes, it's time for another plug for the sponsors. It's shameless. As if they don't have proper ads too. They're on now. (Nestlé Fitness cereal, Melita Digital phone service, JB Scores, Actavis pharmaceuticals. Foto Classic, Toni & Guy Fashion, Activia with the not-made-up-at-all active ingrediant 'bifidus actiregularis', Malta Magic 91.7FM...and the broadband connection's gone again.

21:27. We're back in the hall! The interval act, for the next three hours of televoting, is Ira Losco, who was such a demure young thing when she represented Malta in Tallinn (and nearly won) in 2002. She's now a rock chick, doing G'n'R's 'Sweet Child O' Mine'

21:40. After another broadband loss, we're back with a dreadful band providing more interval 'entertainment'. They're called Gianni & Rug. The rug seems to be on the chest of one of the guitarists, whose shirt is unwisely wide open, with his belly hanging out. Calling this lot an average 'pub band' would be an insult to pub bands.

21:44. They're still on, and cheering greets the next intro. They must be doing a 'hit'. It sounds like the old Oxo ad song; "Only Oxo does what only Oxo can..."

21:55. During another broadband lapse, I rang Schlagerboy D, who assured me that Olivia did enough to get through, but confirmed my suspicion that her routine was a bit rubbish. Maltese TV has clearly run out of interval acts, and is now showing what I can only describe as 'ambient TV'; slow-moving panoramas of Maltese churches and fields, with a 'soft jazz' soundtrack. Time for a coffee. This could be a long night...

22:04. I'm a bit confused by Malta. They have a perfectly good language of their own, and yet there's just been an ad in Italian for a brand of pasta, followed by one for a Maltese garage door company (I kid you not) in English. "Shutters and industrial doors!"

22:08. The international pressure on that elastic band must be building up. I'm getting the sound perfectly okay now, but the picture has been frozen on a smiling woman for the last three or four minutes. Worryingly, WMP isn't buffering or anything. It seems quite happy to think this is all it's supposed to being showing me. The music is some uninspring soft rock. Perhaps it's just as well I can't see the guilty party.

22:16. If the Maltese TV audience is watching what I'm only able to hear, then they have just been treated to performances from Prince, Madonna (La Isla Bonita) and now The Pointer Sisters doing a Girls Aloud cover. (Ahem.) However, I suspect these acts are not on stage in Valetta. My WMP screen is black.

22:25. The Trammps, Gloria Gaynor, Popcorn... They're evidently having a disco in that hall in Valetta. Still no picture.

22:28. Eurythmics, Tears For Fears. The Maltese disco has reached the '80s section. Some cheering audible between songs, so they definitely haven't gone home. My friend James in Bristol is getting the same; audio with no picture.

22:39. The Weather Girls, Mihai's Tornero... Methinks Maltese TV has been taken over by The Gays and they've cut the picture.

22:43. Mihai is actually there in Valetta. He does another song after 'Tornero', then an interview: "I feel great. Malta is great." Why? "Because Malta gave me ten points." And when you go back to Romania, what will you tell them? "I will tell them 'give Malta 12 points'." Bless. Mihai will also be seen at this season's finals in Iceland and FYR Macedonia, he says.

22:46. The hosts introduce song number one, 'Whenever' by Kevin Borg. It's either through to the final or they're about to play all sixteen songs again. No, I heard envelopes mentioned. We're okay. These are the six finalists then. Next up is song 9, 'She Gives Me Wings' by Klinsmann Coleiro (the boyband), then song 13 (SCAR, with the horny singer), then Olivia Lewis (phew!), then song 12 (Pamela's 'All About A Life'). Finally, song 16, Starlight by Trilogy is through.

22:55. Still no picture.

22:57. The picture comes back, OVER THE CLOSING CREDITS. Thank you Malta, and goodnight.

23:00. But hold on, what's this? The lead story on the Maltese TV news is... the six songs just chosen for Saturday's Song For Europe final. Do you see how this Eurovision lark is slightly more important for some countries? And Malta have never even won the damn thing. Stories about some huge fish in a fish market and the Maltese Labour Party conference follow, but it's good to see they have their priorities right.

So, go Olivia! I hope she wins on Saturday, but we'll be watching the Slovenian EMA final on our friends' big TV while Malta's is on. (Slovenia is having a semi-final tonight and another one tomorrow.) The Schlagerboys have interviewed Slovenian fitty Sebastian here, and who cares what his song's like? Phwoar. His official website's here. Phwoar again!

Labels: Eurovision 2007, Malta, Song For Europe

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