It was 40 years ago today that England won the World Cup, beating West Germany 4-2 at Wembley, after extra time. Apparently, I watched this historic event, on my Mum’s lap, at the grand old age of two months and 24 days. I don’t remember much about it, but that ball was definitely over the line.

Whether or not we’ll ever win the World Cup again remains to be seen, but it seems along way off with the state of the current team, so let’s make the most of it and celebrate the anniversary today! Let’s mark it by doing something dramatic, pointless and unforgivable? Come on, step forward! You, yes you, young man, you’ll do. Good, hello, thanks for volunteering. What’s your name?



‘Roly Keating’

Weren’t you in boyzone?

‘No, that was Ronan Keating’

Oh, sorry. What do you do then?

‘I’m the controller of BBC Two.’

That must be a great job. You have some classic programmes to look after. Mastermind, Newsnight, Top Of The Pops, Top Gear... it must be very exciting?

‘Yes, it is, but we’re ending Top Of The Pops today.’

Yeah, right. [Rolls on floor laughing.] As if you would axe that cornerstone of UK culture after 42 years! You’ll be telling me the BBC’s killing off Grandstand next! What? Oh shit! Is nothing sacred?

‘Well, it’s ending. Tonight. Jimmy Savile’s back though, to give it some closure.’

Oh, come on. As if the BBC would dare to end a family tradition, an international brand with franchised shows all over the world, a show with a magazine, a website and the TOTP2 sister show all attached to it (and a hit single about it in 1978 from The Rezillos). And the only show on TV that reveals the official chart!

‘I know...[looks ashamedly at the floor]...but we are.’

Er, why?

‘Well, no one watches it any more.’

But isn’t it your job to rectify that situation? It hardly helped moving it from Thursdays to Fridays in the 1990s, did it? The excitement of talking about TOTP on a Friday at school or work was taken away from us. The demise set in there. Top Of The Pops was put up against Coronation Street too – another really stupid idea. It was never going to win that battle, was it? Then, in 2004, moving TOTP from Friday to Sunday was really the beginning of the end, wasn’t it?

‘Well anyway, the show’s just not needed any more. The kids are getting their music from so many different sources these days.’

And that affects a TV music show from our national broadcaster how exactly?

‘Well, you can now watch videos on loads of channels, any time of the day or night.’

And these channels are getting millions of viewers, are they?

‘Well, no, not exactly.’

In fact, the viewing figures for music channels are actually too small to measure, aren’t they?

‘Er, yes.’

And most people still can’t get MTV anyway, can they?

‘Well, er, no.’

And besides, TOTP is still the only TV show that carries the official chart, isn’t it? What’s going to replace that?

‘Well, CD:UK is coming back soon on five...’

But that’s not the official chart, is it?

‘No.’

So the UK singles chart won’t be on telly any more after today?

‘That’s right. But it’s still on Radio 1 every Sunday.’

Are you seriously suggesting that music fans, indeed anyone with a brain cell, should subject themselves to the moronic rubbish that JK and Joel are now churning out in the name of a Top 40 countdown?

‘Well, no, they’re absolutely crap, aren’t they?’

Glad we can agree on something. They don’t even play all the new entries. What kind of a chart show is that?

‘I know – they’re complete tossers. The music gets in the way of their inane jabbering, apparently. Weren’t we talking about Top Of The Pops on TV?’

Yeah. So, wouldn’t you agree that there’s still a huge potential audience for Top Of The Pops, as a unique chart show, if you put it on at a time when people would watch it, such as a return to Thursday nights? It would slot in nicely at 7pm, before Eastenders.

‘Well…. (indistinct mumbling)… To be honest, I can’t be bothered. I just wanted to do something to make my mark and get my name in the papers while I’m in this job, so I can use it as a stepping stone to something more lucratively paid in the near future.’

Oh, right. Sod off then.


And on that note, Roly Keating wandered off into the twilight of the TV Centre doughnut, mumbling incoherently about downloads, changed demographics and not really having a clue what he was doing anyway. Expect him to be Director General in ten years’ time, when the axing of TOTP will be widely reported all over again on all news channels except the BBC’s.

It seems appropriate to celebrate 40 years of crapness in our national sport by doing something really crap with another national institution. When all’s said and done, does it matter that TOTP is finishing? Probably not. I’m one of the missing millions who doesn’t watch it any more, because I forget it’s on, because it’s on at a stupid time. But isn’t it a shame that another aspect of our popular culture is being sacrificed for no good reason, in the name of change for the sake of change? It certainly is. I even find myself agreeing with Noel Edmonds. At about 8pm tonight, I expect to be feeling quite angry and very sad. I will probably shed a few tears.

Right then, what’s next? Blue Peter? Eurovision? Eastenders?


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