Chig wishes that yesterday's Daily Star headline were true and not just a desperately pathetic reference to Shayne singing 'Somewhere Over The Rainbow' in tonight's X Factor final.

"EXCLUSIVE! Hunk Shayne Ward is hiding an amazing gay secret as he bids to win the X Factor final."

And the gay secret is? I am gagging to know. Oh, they've already told us. He's singing that song from The Wizard Of Oz. This will apparently elicit a Pavlovian response from The Gays, who will vote for Shayne in a dizzy pink trance after hearing that song. Not only that, but he's also going to do 'When A Child Is Born', which was once sung by Johnny Mathis (even though he didn't write it), who is also,,,get this...A GAY! Then, in a phenomenal piece of barrel-scraping, the Star says his third song is by Daniel Bedingfield, and I quote, "who also has a mass of male fans". I suspect that all of Daniel Bedingfield's male fans are god-botherers and not friends of Dorothy (a term which the Star helpfully explains to its readers.)

Just to clarify, I really want Shayne to win tonight. My bet on Journey South is just my insurance policy, so that I'm happy with the result either way, although I still think they will win too. Think of my nine pounds profit if the brothers Pemberton triumph.

Won't it be funny if Andy wins instead?


PS. X Factor fans may like to know that the fabulous Brenda has already been secured by The Nightingale in Birmingham for 7th January, with Rowetta the week after. That's two amazing pairs of lungs in eight days. Fab!

21:18 UPDATE There's a shock already! Andy's through to the final two with Shayne, and Journey South are out. One of my four bets is out the window and suddenly there's doubt in my mind. Andy can win this; most of Journey South's support will probably transfer to him rather than Shayne. At least Simon Cowell's not going to win for the second year, but Sharon's or Louis' act instead. Kate Thornton says that there's 0.25% between the votes for Andy and Shayne. Ooh, the tension! (I do wish she'd stop saying rubbish like "over six million of you have voted" though. Clearly bollocks. It's a much smaller number of people, some of whom have voted hundreds of times. She's misleading people.

22:01 UPDATE Yes! Well done Shayne! Only 1.2% in it, or so we're told. I will definitely be cashing in on my fourth bet, because in eight days' time, Shayne Ward's single, That's My Goal, will be deposing Nizlopi from the top of the charts and becoming the Christmas Day Number One. (In your shops on Wednesday.) Both contestants gave a strong performance of the song, which couldn't have been written to be more appropriate if they'd tried. It was lyrically apt for tonight's final, but it will also be bought by thousands of people for their other half for Christmas. It's a sentimental power ballad, but hey, it's not Mr Blobby or Bob The Builder, and for that we should be grateful...


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