Gastroenteritis - it's shit. That's what I've apparently been suffering from for the last two weeks, with two visits to the doctor, and several days off work. (I made the mistake of going back to work too soon on Monday, then had to come home after half a day on Tuesday, feeling sick again.) The quote above came from the nurse at my doctors' surgery. She asked me, over the phone on Tuesday, to bring in a stool sample for my appointment the next day with the doctor, which I duly did. At the risk of going into a little more detail than is really required, I'll just say that "scraping a bit off" is all very well if you're already IN a medical establishment, and have been provided with one of those specialist jar/tube thingies, with a proper pooper scooper inside it, but it's not so easy in the discomfort of one's own home. Suffice to say I won't be using that particular empty potato salad tub again.

So, random thoughts ahead...

Obviously I've been watching a lot of telly, including Big Brother. Until two days ago, I'd hardly noticed Sam was in the house. Then she started annoying me with her sulkiness. Then I sympathised with her, when I realised how VILE (to be said in a 'Linda from Gimme, Gimme, Gimme kinda way) Lesley is being to her. My god, Lesley is really horrible. I hope the nasty bitch goes tomorrow, but I doubt it. She has big tits, after all.

This is how I rate the Big Brother contestants at the moment, from my favourite to my least favourites:

1st Makosi. She's lovely, lively and fun. I could listen to her lovely Zimbabwean accent all day. She was given the perfect chance to shine by being the 'unlucky' 13th contestant, and completing her task successfully (just about). Loving her.

2nd Anthony. For purely aesthetic reasons. He doesn't seem to have done much, or have much to say, but he hasn't offended me either.

3rd Derek. As I said on day one, loving and hating him at different times, but he's very entertaining, hilariously self-righteous, and amusingly pompous. So (and I'll say it before someone else does), of course I can relate to him in many ways.

4th Kemal. Needs to calm down a little sometimes, but I do like his wonderfully opinionated rants, mainly because I usually agree with what he says. He was totally justified in having a go at insensitive Roberto, when he had the cheek to tell Kemal how he (Kemal) should handle his parents. Bonus points to Kemal for standing up to the bully.

5th Mary. Yes, I know she's gone, but she was better than all the other 8 below.

Well, that's all the ones I like or could give a toss about. I just don't like the others:

Science. Too moody. Speaks in a 'street' language that the others just don't understand, which is causing a huge communication barrier between him and them. Too argumentative for my liking. The others seem to think he's hugely intelligent, which says more about the bunch of thickos who have been thrown together this year than it does about Science himself.

Saskia. Has she said anything interesting?

Maxwell. Too London. Too geezer. But okay sometimes. Clearly holding himself back and thinking too much about what his mates might say.

Sam. Too miserable, but perhaps she will improve if Vile Lesley goes.

Roberto. Loudmouth, insensitive, bully. Won't get nominated for a while though, for as long as he continues to cook their dinners.

Craig. Whinge, whinge, whinge. Me, me, me. Oh shut the fuck up.

Vanessa. I'm not fooled by the tears. She was too stupid to realise she was talking about nominations, then made it all worse by NOT APOLOGISING for getting everyone up for the public vote.

Lesley. I'm not a violent man, but she's so horrible that I have had a desire to punch her in the face and drag her around the garden by the hair until her huge boobs burst.


In other TV news, there is a new love in my life. Gino D'Acampo, one of the chefs on Too Many Cooks on ITV Day. (It's a new concept in programming, don'tcha know?) Don't be fooled by the unflattering pictures here, just watch the programme and listen to the man speak. Swoon!

And finally, for today.

In these depressing times, where children are killing each other during fights in the park, or hanging toddlers from trees, I have a heartwarming little episode to report. I was gardening in my front garden yesterday (as you do when you're off ill). It's always very sociable on sunny evenings in my street, as children are out playing, and adults sit outside. I'm lucky to live in an area where I actually know the neighbours, and we talk to each other. Late in the evening, a brother and sister were eating something outside their house, and my curiosity made me ask them what it was. They were eating mangoes, which smelled lovely, and I said as much. I wasn't angling for one though. About half an hour later, I was tidying up and taking the gardening tools back inside, when I opened my door again, to find the four year-old boy and his slightly older sister just about to knock my door. The boy had a fresh mango wrapped in a tissue, and handed it to me, saying, "This is for working hard in your garden." Bless! Four years old! What a sweetie. It restores your faith in human nature. (The mango was delicious.)


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