I don't watch Top Of The Pops very often these days, but I'm watching it right now. Let's see what hip'n'happening young bucks are on this week...

1st: Nancy Sinatra, singing 'Bang Bang' on screen. First hit single: 1966 (as was Cher's hit version of 'Bang Bang').
2nd: Shirley Bassey, singing 'Diamonds Are Forever' on screen, from 1972. First hit single: 1957.
3rd: Shakin' Stevens, singing P!nk's 'Trouble'. The most successful chart act of the 1980s. First charted in 1980.
4th: Elton John, on video. First hit single: 1971.

I know Doctor Who has finished (sadly), but I think I'm stuck in a time warp...

5th: Hooray! Fearne announces Army Of Lovers! Fabulous re-formed Swedish campery revival! Oh shit. It's only former Elton collaborator, Lee Ryan. 'Army Of Lovers' is the title of his new solo song. (You'd think, after all those TOTP performances with Blue, that he'd be quite good at miming, wouldn't you? Seemingly not.)

6th: George Michael & Elton John from Live Aid, 1985.
"I love playing with young kids," says Elton, interviewed in the present day. Oh dear. Have you learnt nothing from Jacko? No, it seems he's actually talking about Pete Doherty, who looks about 12 and is as mature as a child, so it's almost the same. It seems Dame Elton and the smackhead are going to do Baby Ford's classic, 'Children Of The Revolution' (also done by T-Rex) at Live 8. Having borne the brunt of all the criticism he received for duetting with supposedly homophobic Eminem, I guess Elton will have no qualms about glamourising heroin chic for the kiddiewinks in the name of eliminating world poverty. Drop the debt! People in Africa are so poor, they can't afford smack! But hey, at least they're thin, like Kate here. Lucky bastards!

7th: James Blunt. At last, the first artist on tonight who hadn't had a hit before 2002.

8th: Eminem (video) - Ass Like That. A very sophisticated song about donkeys (or carrots, perhaps?) But there are no donkeys in the video, just some women wiggling their bottoms. How do they get away with showing this before 9pm?

9th: Glenn 'Pop!' Ball is still so embarrassed about having to go back to dancing since Pop! went pop that he's still wearing a hoodie and shades. It's no use Glenn, I recognised you in week one, dancing to that Crazy Frog rubbish (and now, depressingly, it's week four for this chart-topper). This is a man who has waved neon lighting tubes around the arse of Kylie. How the (Al)mighty are fallen. Then again, he did have his photo taken with Chig back in Spring 2003, when Glenn was a dancer for Mimi in A Song For Europe, so he's had to take the rough with the smooth.
(PS. Glenn, You should have released your version of Xanadu before Pop! split up. It's fab.)

So, there you have it pop kids. There is, officially, nothing new under the sun. Or very little, at least. So, next week, when people are moaning about Live 8 and how it's all white man Dad rock, just point out that the average time since all the acts on this week's TOTP had their first hit is over 20 years. And that average includes James Blunt and the fucking frog. So much for yoof TV (although, secretly, I'm quite pleased).


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