Better late that never, eh kids? It's 20.05 as I sit here in the Media Tent, less than two hours before the Eurovision semi-final starts, and I've just realised I haven't published my reviews of the songs for tonight. I've been carrying the disc around for ages, so here goes. Bear in mind that this was written ages ago, before any rehearsals.

“Is it May already? Settle down me hearties, as….” Oh bugger, I forgot, Wogan isn’t doing this bit, is he? Oh well, snuggle up with a wee dram or a cup of cocoa with cuddly Paddy O’Connell on BBC 3, as 33 countries prepare to broadcast the first ever Eurovision semi-final. 33 countries, because France, Russia and Poland (three of the largest populations) can’t be bothered. But, I hear you cry, surely it’s in the rules that you have to show the semi? Why yes, it is, but these three won’t be watching, so they’re not allowed to vote tonight either. When pressed for an explanation, a French TV spokesperson said, “Nous sommes La France. Nous pouvons faire ce que nous veulent. Vous avez un probleme?” He then shrugged his shoulders, muttered something about ‘les rosbifs’, adjusted his beret and rode off on his bicyclette, slinging his string of onions over his stripey shirt as he disappeared up the Champs Elysée. Possibly.

SF01 – Finland – Takes 2 To Tango – Jari Sillanpa:a:
Queen alert! Well honestly, it’s a chubby bloke dancing around with angel wings on his back, throwing his arms up in the air, screaming ‘Hallelujah!’ Jump to your own conclusions. Get ready to fling your arms in the air as you proclaim ‘Hallelujah!’ in a camp, yet biblical way. Jari is clearly not the butchest man in this year’s competition, but he's not the campest either. He gives it all he’s got, complete with angel wings taped to his back in his national final performance. Shame he looks like Chris Moyles, but you can’t have everything. Will win the vote in gay pubs across the land, if it gets through the semi, which it should, especially with this favourable draw. The song is explicitly gay, as it talks about angels and devils caressing each other and holding each other tight. As all angels are male, this is clearly alluding to some homo orgy.

SF02 – Belarus – My Galileo - Alexandra & Konstantin
An absolutely, charmingly bonkers song from one of this year’s three debut countries. It’s worth pointing out that they are singing in English, because you honestly wouldn’t know. Sixth form poetry put through a mincer produces such astounding lines as,
“I’m not a stay-at-home and heady, is the quest and venture mode”. Oh yes!
“Circles grow,
But you,
You’re the pier,
Centre in my life,
My Galileo,
I rotate to you,
I’m here.”

I’m really looking forward to seeing these two in the flesh, and if Alexandra is not an even more demented Belarussian version of Lene Lovich, I’ll be very disappointed.

SF03 – Switzerland – Celebrate! - Piere Esteriore and the Music Stars
I hate this with a passion. But it's so catchy, like a bloody Tweenies song, that I could see this cutting through the pack and winning the whole damn thing. Then I would feel sick.

SF04 – Latvia - Fomins and Kleins
Thought this sounded quite good until I saw them and they put me off. Standard rock song sung by a Rod Stewart type blokey. The fact that it's in Latvian (although they have released versions in severeal languages, including Belarussian, but not English), will mean this fails to qualify for Saturday.

SF05 – Israel - David D'Or
One of the most remarkable voices ever to come from the mouth of a man; incredibly high-pitched. It's a very Radio 2 type song. I just can't make up my mind about this one.

SF06 – Andorra
Jolly pop with too many words. Welcome to the party. Next!

SF07 – Portugal – Foi Magia (It Was Magic) – Sofia
Oooh, a promising intro! Those string stabs sound like something off ABC’s Lexicon Of Love album. Could we be in for a Trevor Horn-like three minutes of perfect pop? (More of him later.) Sadly, no. It’s downhill from then on as Portugal succeeds once again in entering a song that only appeals to Portuguese speakers. See you in next year’s semi! I didn’t even need to mention Portugal’s support for the war in Iraq. The song has scuppered their chances already. The real tragedy is that Portugal had a really good song in their final, by a real spunky hunk called Goncalo, but the cloth-eared muppets didn’t vote for it.

SF08 – Malta – On Again…Off Again – Julie & Ludwig
No, not Herr Beethoven, but this song does indeed have classical pretensions. Basically, it’s a very simple pop song by her, with him singing in an opera stylee over the top. Then, what do you know, SHE does a Charlotte Churchy bit while he’s singing. Very versatile, very catchy, very gimmicky.

She’s possibly trying to tell him when it’s safe for them to shag, or is it about condoms? Who knows? Just the right side of mad. Will gather votes from across Europe and across the generations, and will, once again, come agonisingly close to giving Malta their first victory.

SF09 – Monaco – Prenez Soin de Notre Planete (Take Care Of Our Planet) – Maryon?
Monaco take a self-imposed break from Eurovision for 25 years and then come back with this, which could have been from around the time they left. It’s nice, it’s poppy, it’s dancey. It’s forgotten by the time the next song comes on. There won’t be a battle of the French songs, as this is unlikely to join France, who are already in the final.

SF10 – Greece – Shake It – Sakis Rouvas
Given half a chance, I’d do more than shake it. Fit as a butcher’s dog that does sit-ups. Who cares about the song? Greece originally intended to send the winner of their version of Fame Idol For A Night Knocks, or whatever it’s called, but plans were hastily dropped when the series was won by a fat bloke called Apostolos. ‘You can’t do disco songs’, cried the bigwigs, ‘so you can be a backing singer for this fit bloke who we’re bringing in to replace you instead’. Astoundingly, he has accepted this. Has he no pride? Sakis likes showing off his abs and his armpits, which is absolutely fine in my book. Carry on. Rumours abounded that Trevor Horn had composed three songs for Greece to choose from this year. This is clearly not one of them.
Rhymes ‘fire’ with ‘desire’? Yes!
“I would trade my life, for a night with you, driven by desire,
Make that move on me, it’s time for you to see, that my world’s on fire.”
Key change? NO! But there’s a moment when you think one’s coming. Opportunity wasted.

SF11 – Ukraine – Wild Dances – RuslanaShouting! Echoes of Rasputin! A woman who looks like a cross between Posh Spice and Xena the Warrior Princess! All combined to produce a brilliantly unusual song which I absolutely love.

SF12 – Lithaunia – What's Happened To Our Love?
What's happened to a decent song, more like? Absolute drivel, even with its Spansih touches. We have enough of them this year, thank you very much. No way this is qualifying.

SF13 – Albania – The Image Of You (previously called Imazhi Yt (Your reflection)) – Anjeza Shahini
“You are the band” or “You are the phlegm in my pea soup”. Like Belarus, the charm of this song is in its sheer madness. It is all things to all people. Starts off slow. Stops. Turns into a great disco song. Has rock guitar in the middle eight. Goes wild at the end. Perfect, except that it’s five minutes long. They’re new to this whole thing, the Albanians. They clearly didn’t read the EBU rulebook before their national final. All will depend on how they edit it down to three minutes, but in its epic version, I think this is wonderful. My second favourite.

SF14 – Cyprus – Stronger Every Minute – Lisa Andreas
You think she's launcing into boyzone's 'No Matter What' at the start, and then the song becomes either the toilet break or a stunner, depending on your point of view. If she can do this live (and she's only 16, and from Kent), this could do really well.

SF15 – Former Yugoslav Republic of Macedonia – Life Is A Book - Tose
Red rubber vest? Good lord. Not what we expect from FYRoM, but that's what he's wearing in the video. THis is really repetive and makes its point in the first minute, before just retreading the same ground. No doubt they will spoil his chances by NOT having him wear a red rubber outfit in Istanbul.

SF16 – Slovenia – Stay Forever - Platin
Gimmick – getting married the day after the semi-final, with Sertab Erener as their maid of honour. I've really grown to like this since I dismissed it as 'bland' when they won their national final. We didn't even notice at the time that Simon slipped an engagement ring on Diana's finger while they sang their reprise. Now I know they mean it, the song seems much more meaningful.

SF17 – Estonia – Tii – Neiokoso
Follow me, we’re sorry.
Better get moist.
Sorry Malta.
Wear a big doily, be horribly oily
Shut up your boys’ schools.

Just some of the phrases that these Spice Girls meet Hiawatha types seem to be singing. That's what happens when you decide to sing a song in a South-eastern Estonian dialect that not even the majority of Estonians can understand. Wonderfully wacky, and the video is really good, but I can't see this getting past the semi.

SF18 – Croatia – You Are The Only One (previously 'Dajes Mi krila' = 'You Give Me Wings') – Ivan Mikulic
The only possible winner from the Croatian final, and it’s another classy ballad; a genre that’s served them well. A really well-constructed song, from a really good singer. It starts slowly but surely and gets to the rousing chorus really quickly (like the UK’s song does too) which I always think is an advantage. (Compare and contrast with Ukraine.) Okay, so he looks like he might be Jimmy Nail’s son, who works in insurance, but looks aren’t everything.

SF19 – Denmark – Shame On You – Tomas Thordarson
Queen alert! This is a bona fide one. Tomas is married to his male partner. with an adopted child, but rumour has it that the video for this was toned down to make it a little more hetero. Just when you thought the Danes were all liberated and stuff. The song, about infidelity, is ‘Denmark goes Spanish’ and is a good attempt, but the Spanish do it so much better themselves. It is very catchy though, and I’d love to see this make it through to Saturday night. I think it will.
Rhymes ‘fire’ with ‘desire’? Yes. “You’re my fire, you’re my desire, shame on you.” Several times.
Key change? Yes, with added whoa!
(UPDATE: Since seeing the rehearsals, I don't think this will get through. They've taken all the life out of it.)

SF20 – Serbia & Montenegro – Lane Moje ('My Lamb' or 'My Sweetheart' – Zeljko and the Ad Hoc Orchestra
Pure class. One of the longest intros in the contest, played on a long pipe by a shepherd who looks like Jesus, eventually gives way to the vocal. Zeljko has a voice like warm, melted chocolate, and despite the fact that this type of Balkan folky music sounds unusual to Western ears, I believe this will have many countries under its spell. A dead cert to qualify from the semi, and a strong contender to win the whole thing, perhaps only to be scuppered by the reluctance of ex-warring neighbours to forgive Serbia enough to vote for them. This is the first appearance for the continuing rump of Yugoslavia under its new name. It was interesting that in the national final for S&M (as we prefer to call it), they had a whole bunch of contemporary pop songs, and this, performed by people dressed in hessian sacks, standing out like a sore thumb. When it was chosen, I thought ‘what kind of impression is this going to give to the rest of Europe?’, but you can’t argue with the quality of music like this. My other nagging doubt was that perhaps it takes a while to grow on people, and won’t get votes on first hearing, but that doubt has been put to bed by showing the video to my sister, who used words like ‘impressive’ and fell in love with his voice. If Europe rejects pop and goes for the big ethnic number this year, this will do it. Not sure I fancy going to Belgrade though. Talking of ex-warring neighbours....

SF21 – Bosnia & Herzegovina – In The Disco – Deen
We move from moody folk music to frivolous disco fluff. Queen alert! In his national final, Deen looked like a hairdresser from the 1980s, with a blond flicky fringe and a strange taste in trousers. Donna Summer would be turning in her grave over this song, but sadly she’s still not dead. It only avoids charges of plagiarism by sounding like so many different songs all at once, two of them by Ms. God-botherer herself. The rhythm track is ‘strongly influenced by’ ‘I Feel Love’ and the main riff is ‘Hot Stuff’. And yet, for all that, it is strangely fab in a bastardised and stolen kinda way, and the video is great.

SF22 – Netherlands – Without You – Re-Union
Sadly, not the Nilsson classic (or Mariah Carey dog-whistling tune). In fact, not a classic at all. Far from it. The Netherlands really let us down this year, with a national final that was devoid of anything good. There was one song that was exceptionally bad too, namely ‘Mississippi Miss’; a cross between Rednex and Steps that made both of them look sophisticated. I feared the worst, but instead the Dutch went for this sleep-inducer. Re-Union is a male duo with an acoustic guitar and a fair amount of yodelling. One of them looks a bit like Noel Gallagher, the other one is probably Steve McManaman’s younger brother. I can’t stand the song, but it does have its fans.
Rhymes ‘fire’ with ‘desire’? Yes.
Key change? Not really. Will yodelling do instead?
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