World of Chig   

14.3.03

And then, the penny dropped. He really hasn’t noticed, has he? I nudged my sister to gaze at the doctor’s crotch. He’s not wearing any pants. Other people in the crowd had stopped pogoing. They were now nudging each other and tittering. For there, on stage was a seven foot man with three feet high hair, in brightly coloured velvet loon pants, happily giving his all vocally, but with his zip now forming an oval shaped hole and, yes, you guessed it, his willy had popped out. Using the word ‘popped’ is actually exaggerating the drama of the moment and giving the doctor more than his due. With most men, I would have expected to use the word ‘flopped’, but no, not here. We stood. We stared. For there, nestling like a single egg in a bird’s nest, was the tiniest penis I ever saw (until the internet, at least). No one could quite believe it. The image burnt into my mind since that day is of a tiny little acorn, barely visible to the naked eye. So small in fact that the doctor was presumably unable to feel the rush of air across his exposed member. He only realised because of the staring, not because he felt anything. He hurriedly did himself up and carried on. With that much make-up on, it’s hard to tell if someone is embarrassed, but we were in shock. To think, my baby sister had come over to see that! Needless to say, it wasn’t the music we talked about coming out of that gig.

And so it came to pass that now, whenever I hear ‘Spirit In The Sky’, I can only think of one thing. A tiny penis. Sorry Gareth.

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