And The Winner Is...

Which reminds me, if it's Gareth Gates Day, it must also be....Roy's birthday! Happy Birthday to one of our contributors to the 50 Number Ones Project. Now, everybody, stop what you're doing for a moment and gather round, because I have a little announcement to make, and I've been saving it especially for today. Those of you who have been with us since the start (he says, fighting back the tears), will remember I promised a prize for the 'best' top ten, with 'best' being defined by Chig according to unspecified (ie. unknown) criteria. It was tough, as there were some very good entries, but the judges are all agreed that the prize, an album of your choice (up to a tenner, so the new U2 compilation is out, I'm afraid) from cd-wow, goes to....birthday boy himself, Mr Roy! (There will also be another prize for someone else, which cannot be announced until the end - you'll see why.) Congratulations sir, it was the sheer audacity wot won it; the brazen way you managed to put some genuine classics in there with some obscure ones, plus one of the worst records in the history of the world ever, namely the So Squalid Crew. That and the quality of your writing, which was very entertaining indeed, as everyone will now see. Claim your prize in the next 28 days. The judge's decision is final. No correspondence will be entered into. Value of prizes can go up as well as down. ROAR. E&OE.

Roy's e-mail in its entirety:

"Ooh, that had me arguing with myself for hours. I've got my list, but it all looks a little contrived. But I judged it by the biggest chill each tune gave me as I trudged them round my noggin, so this really has to be my ten. Hard work picking them though, cos my 11-20 could have just as easily been my top ten. Here we go. In reverse order...Porter...Dawn...Nyree...
10. See My Baby Jive - Wizzard - 1973
While all my school chums were into the Glitter and The Osmonds, there was something about Roy Wood that made things sparkle brighter for me. I think this was the moment I realised that a song could possess a sense of humour without actually having to be funny. I was a precocious child.
9. Sixteen Tons - Tennessee Ernie Ford - 1956
The song I sing most often in the shower, and the only song I'd ever consider doing at karaoke. The tone, the pace, the story - they don't write 'em like this any more. If I go solo, this'll be my first single - and I don't do covers!
8. It's Like That - Run DMC Vs Jason Nevins - 1998
Possibly the bounciest number one ever. I've long had a deep love for Run DMC, but this gave it just that little extra. I was caught in a traffic jam outside Swindon one Sunday as they announced this was at the top, and every third car was stuffed with nodding lunatics as we all started our very own M4 block party. A memorable moment to be sure.
7. 21 Seconds - So Solid Crew - 2001One of the greatest debut singles ever. How better to introduce yourself and your intent than with a song that does exactly that. The way it skulks in rather than explodes gets you looking over your shoulder just to check every time. Blinding, and I'm still not bored of it.
6. Tainted Love - Soft Cell - 1981
It might have been number one the week I left school, but that's not why I love it. This was pretty much the first chart topper I can remember that unsettled rather than shocked. Great Northern Soul gone Northern Electro - and that "boink boink" too!
5. Good Vibrations - The Beach Boys - 1966
Not wanting to sound all dull and musicalogial, but possibly the most innovative and groundbreaking chart topper there is. The production concept was years ahead of it's time, it's got a Theremin in it, but on top of that it's just a great tune. Achingly good.
4. It's Over - Roy Orbison - 1964
Pretty Woman might have been that was playing in the hospital the very moment I was born, but this is the one that sends the biggest shivers though me. Was there ever a voice sweeter, more vulnerable than this.No one ever meant it this much unless it really happened to them. Haunting.
3. Doctorin' The Tardis - The Timelords - 1988
This is what a number one should be all about. Work it all out in advance, make it ridiculusly catchy and dumb, and then write a book about it. Only came third cos I like first two make me gasp more, musically. I met Bill Drummond last week and could hardly speak! Genius.
2. Flat Beat - Mr Oizo - 1999
OK, so it wouldn't have even halfway charted it it hadn't been for the advert, but this has to be the most minimal, bass farting slab of pure sex to have even nudged the top hundred, let alone taken home the big one. One of the few number ones that actually sounds like something I'd listen to at home. And it's French. Perfect.
1. Too Much Too Young - Special AKA - 1980
The punkingest thing ever to make it to the top spot. An angry song about contraception and over population barking its way to the top in a bang-hot ska stylee. Unsurpassable by about a million places.

Now let's see what you could have won. In 11-20 are...
11. Stand & Deliver - Adam & The Ants - 1981
12. Heart Of Glass - Blondie - 1979
13. What A Wonderful World - Louis Armstrong - 1968
14. Eye Level - The Simon Park Orchestra - 1973
15. Something's Gotten Hold Of My Heart - Marc Almond & Gene Pitney 1989
16. Rock Me Amadeus - Falco - 1986
17. Gangster's Paradise - Coolio - 1995
18. Seasons In The Sun - Terry Jacks - 1974
19. Side Saddle - Russ Conway - 1959
20. Bound 4 Da Reload - Oxide & Neutrino - 2000

As for the worst - without sounding like a ponce I don't really look at them that way. I'm sure you'll have no end of Hear'says, Westlifes and Joe Dolces - maybe even a couple for Every Loser Wins. But for me a joyful pop song beats a drab, up its own arse musican-led number every time. So I'd have to pick something nasty and artless like Simply Red's Playground. Uggh, it hurts just to speak its name.

Roy D Hacksaw
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