World of Chig   

18.6.02

Chig’s World Cup Guide for Poufs



Bemused by all this football talk in the office? Feeling left out of conversations down the pub with your straight mates? Getting unreasonably excited by hearing them mention words like Totti, Janke and Jerkov? Haven’t paid any attention to football since running away from the ball at school, apart from lusting after Gary Lineker and David Beckham? Then you are clearly a big pouf! Some of my fellow homosexualists seemingly can’t get into this World Cup thing at all. (Mind you, living in Scotland is an acceptable excuse.) Never fear though, help is at hand. Entirely for your benefit, Chig has sat through about 40 of the 56 matches played so far (plus highlights of all the others), just to guide you through the pitfalls of World Cup conversation. So, brush up on these, try them out down the pub, and let us know how you get on!

DON’T say: The Italians definitely have the sexiest kits. They’re so clingy, and fashionably retro.
DO say: Did you know that England’s results are statistically better when their games are live on the BBC and not ITV?

DON’T say: Isn’t it funny that South Korea have a player whose name sounds like Hung Young Beau?
DO say: It’s a damn shame that Quim wasn’t playing in this World Cup for Portugal. I really miss Quim.

DON’T say: How could Nigeria play in that lime green colour? It was so vile.
DO say: I always knew Senegal would be the best African team – they only lost the African Nations’ Cup to Cameroon on penalties in the final, after all.

DON’T say: That skinhead Stig Toftig from Denmark looks so horny – he’s tattooed all over apparently; I’d like to have a good look.
DO say: It’s no wonder Toftig is such a hard bastard; his father murdered his mother when he was a kid – it must have really screwed him up.

DON’T say: Do you think Antiques Roadshow will still be shown on the 30th?
DO say: I can’t wait for the 30th – it could be England v Germany in the final.

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