Not so good Friday

[Book of Chigiticus; v1-11]
And lo! It came to pass, as the prophets hath foretold, that on this holiest of days in the year of our Lord two thousand and two, the saviour of breakfast television known as Big Breakfast was nailed to the crucifix of fluctuating taste, never to be seen again amongst the people. A decree had gone out, from the tax collectors and accountants in the temple known as Horseferry Road, that all the people be gathered together for a census, known henceforth as ‘ratings’. Since the assembled masses worshipping the messiah now numbered only a quarter of a million worshipping before the Messiah BB, where once there had been one million times two, the tax collectors, in their greed to gain more of the tax known as advertising revenue, had decreed that BB must die. And on the canal footpaths in that part of Galilee known as Bow, was there much wailing and gnashing of teeth, although some didst claim that BB would one day rise again.
And so, the Last Breakfast didst take place this very morn in the house of Lazarus, sometimes known as King Richard of Bacon, wherein the faithful didst reminisce on the glorious past of the god BB. Lazarus’s miraculous recovery didst not pass the lips of the Apostles gathered together in the house, wherein his life was near destroyed by the inhalation of mysterious white powder and his career was cast out into the desert, thought dead, only for the god BB to bring it back to life many moons later.
The apostles gathered in the home of Lazarus included St Amanda the Baptist, faithful to the god BB until the end. Three wise men came from the East (Leyton) bearing grins to lay down before the people, including Saint Richard, Mayor of Wetwang, who continues to lead daily afternoon worship at 4.15pm, and Saint Johnny of Vegas. The third was sent by King Herod, who was unable to attend, namely Saint Ralf of Little as his Royle envoy.
The congregation noted that it was forbidden to mention the whore of the temple, the excommunicated St Kelly of Brook, for she hath once brought shame upon the great god BB, and she now liveth in sin with the villain Jason of Statham. St Paula of Peroxide was mentioned in passing, for she has gone to a higher place, far away from worldly people (either heaven or BBC4). Original apostle Judas Lamarr was similarly absent from the feast.
And a strange celestial body did appear in the sky toward the East, namely the spaceship transporting the gods of comedy known throughout the land as Zig and his brother Zag back to the planet Zog, from whence they came in nineteen hundred and ninety-two.
And in its final hour, did the god BB turn back the hands of time to remind the assembled congregation of the former glories which hath made it much talked about throughout the land.

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